The Harpoville Post

Dudestitute Coming to a Brothel Near You

2010-01-25T18:50:00.004-05:00

Its "One Small Step For (a) Man and One Giant Leap for Dudestitute-kind."

The Harpoville Post reports that although male prostitution has been around for as long as, as long as..... Well, most likely it was invented twenty minutes after female prostitution was invented. Which has been called the worlds second oldest profession. What was the first? .... Who knows, but we are pretty sure prostitution was invented shortly after the first pay cheque was cut.

The Harpoville Post has found The Shady Lady Raunch brothel, located in Beatty Nevada, has hired their first male prostitute by the name of Markus..... No last names please. I'm sure his parents are embarrassed enough. The Harpoville Post has learned that Markus has been hired on for the 'ladies pleasure'. Which is annoying to the fine ladies of The Shady Lady who feel if Markus is really committed to the worlds second oldest profession he should bone up to the plate and commit to having sex with men as well as women. That is if any show up.
As one of the Shady Lady's finest old pros told The Harpoville Post; "This dump has got enough fat, old, toothless bastards coming around here looking to stick themselves into any old keyhole. If this little prick wants to help out around here he can pick up the slack by bending over and lending us a hand. ..... Sorta speak."

5-YEARS AGO TODAY

2010-01-23T09:57:00.002-05:00

The Harpoville Post has sprung open it's doors and sharpened up its pens to help celebrate this the marking the Golden Jubilee, less 45-years, celebration in our beloved leader Harpo's rule. Surely the good people of Harpoville will be busy hanging banners and baking pies, Harpo's favorite, and dancing in the streets till the wee hours of the evening. Since seven pm is curfew and any Harpoville citizens caught on the streets past the hour of seven will be severely scolded, written up and immediately put to death.
Our beloved Harpo has seen fit to joyously celebrate this occasion by eliminating work for himself and his dooly elected MP's for the next two months. Citizens of Harpoville will fortunately be expected to work they're required 14+ hours and then be present and pleasant on the parade route as it winds itself thru the streets of harmonious Harpoville later today.

Long live King Harpo!

Greg Guteld Sucks, It Up

2009-03-23T18:31:00.003-04:00

Harpoville Post Extra

Extreme Neo- conservative Fox Channel broadcaster Greg Guteld sucked it up today and apologized for slamming his fellow 'conservatives' on his late night/early morning rant and rave TV show.

The show, called Red Eye, which is odd considering that 40-years ago he'd never be allowed to call his show that because "red' used to refer to Communism, now it's a short form for the new far right, neo-conservative front emerging from North America. Yes, the same one GW Bush and Stephen Harper belong to.
It seems Greg, who's more often found in the wee small hours in any major metropolis airport restroom giving the conservative 'low-five' to the fellow in the next stall, decided to hoist his rant & rave banner and direct his comments at Stephen Harper's Afghanistan mission now called HARPER'S MISTAKE.
This news broke just as 4-fallen Canadian soldiers, the largest number to date, skim along the highway #401 blacktop now know as the Highway of Heroes.
Although Peter McKay was 5-days short of 'quick' to demand an apology from his neo-conservative brother one must sit back and wonder is this is real or is this fake. You see in 'neo-conservative' think one must first plant a seed. And one neo-conservative will gladly apologies to another if it helps plant that seed.

Example #1; In America neo-conservative said Bin Laden is a terrorist. Although the CIA/USA gave Bin Lauden Millions of dollars to be a terrorist. So, now we have the proof he's is a terrorist.
Example #2; America say's Canada will pull out of Afghanistan to 'run in the sand and do yoga'. Soon Peter Mckay and Harper will stand up in the house of Commons and say no we will stand and fight.

I say; maybe it's time we widen that highway of heroes.

American's Sweetheart Astronaut Goes Nuts

2007-02-06T00:10:00.000-05:00

"Last summer she was on the space station now she's on another planet"

The Harpoville Post reports that American Astronaut Lisa Nowak drove 900 miles to try and kidnap another woman. The 43 year old former astronaut who just last summer flew in space drove her car from Huston to Orlando, in a diaper so she wouldn't have to stop, then donned a disguise and tried to kidnap a woman she believed was after the man she loved.

The Harpoville Post has learned Lisa would go to the ends of the earth and beyond for the man she loved, a space shuttle pilot. Police have denied bail after charging her with vehicle burglary, destruction of evidence and battery when they picked up the crazed female with a can of pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, a knife and what police seem most excited talking to Lisa about is the rubber tubing they found in her possession.

The Harpoville Post reports that NASA is planing a better screening process for the astronauts of the future. Major Tony Master of NASA told the Harpoville Post; "We have to make sure the people we spend Millions of dollars on training to be astronauts aren't as crazy as Miss Nowak has turned out to be. Though I guess her last name should have been a big hint. But NASA promises that the astronauts of tomorrow will not be as crazy as the ones of today but, they'll still have to be crazy enough to want to go into outer space.

A Little Tory Song A Little Tory Dance

2007-01-21T14:38:00.000-05:00

"Leaves a little Tory seltzer down everybody's pants"

The Harpoville Post reports that Harpo's Tory Government has done the near impossible by bring back the dead. But, just as Canadians were about to applaud the Tories for their hind-sight correction of past Tory ill judgment they went ahead to take a shot of their own foot. The government waited to announce the $300 Million dollar pledge to help seal up Canadian homes with a $1000. Per household grant to help keep old man winter where he belongs at the Toronto Home Show and was welcomed by the struggling renovation industry who applauded the move as well as most environmentalists who were left muttering; "Though isn't this just the old Liberal package you guy's scraped exactly one year ago." Instead of swallowing a little pride Minister of Natural Resources Gary Linn who delivered the annoucement, that should have came from the Minister of Environmental Disasters, went on the offensive by denying it saying; "No this is nothing like the Liberals plan to give money to home owners to help repair a seal their homes to help them save money on their gas bills. Nothing like that at all."

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Tory plan is said to deliver $1000 to $5000 per household that will go directly to the homeowners by way the renovation trades. The plan smells a tad like the 'spray insulation craze' of the 1970's which was followed by the 'pay money to have men take out the spray insulation craze' that follow in the 1980's and all paid for by the tax payers of Canada.

Canada To Develop Spy Coins

2007-01-19T09:02:00.000-05:00

"We are about to release 'spy bucks' to find out what American's spent Canadian money on"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's top spying network has decided to go ahead a develop 'spy coins' after all. It was reported that America's extremely paranoid defense agency had accused Canada of planting 'spy coins' on defense contractors as they entered Canada to sell over-priced obsolete arms to Canada's dim-witted Minister of Lack-of-defense Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald. They claim Canada inserted tiny transmitters into the 'spy coins' to trace the whereabouts of defense contratctors and steal America's military technology which they are trying so desperately to unload on Canada now the arms bubble has burst in America. But just as America's false paranoid accusations came to light as completely reticules the Canadian spy network decided; "Hold on this isn't such a bad idea."

The Harpoville Post has learned that at first the CSO, the Canadian Spy Office, located at 221 Bank Street Ottawa, denied the accusations from the Americans but now have decided that it wouldn't be such a bad idea after all and have decided to go ahead with the plan. The CSO is planning to start work on developing microchip money. The CSO says they want to see how many American defense contractors spend their weapons commissions on lap dances in Hull Quebec after a hard days work selling shells in Ottawa.

Khan Caught in Ka-runch

2007-01-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

"Mums the word on present and past dealings with Harpo's newest lap-dog"

The Harpoville Post reports nothing that will be said in response to Prime Minister Harpo's newest swipe from the Liberal gene-pool, ex-Liberal now Conservative MP Wajid Khan. Last summer when Khan felt so honored to be hand picked to spend $13,000 in 19 days to met with officials in Jordan, Syria, Israel, Egypt, Lebanon and Saudi Arabia but what was said at those meetings and the tax-payers expense is now been made private by the Prime Ministers Office for no other reason than; "That it's nun of your or the tax-payers business".

The Harpoville Post has learned since silence is golden with Harpo's new Conservative open Government why are they acting so cagey about news that their newest favored son may be soon brought up on charges of illegal political loans. The Prime Minister has run from sight and Vic Toews has made tracks by canceling a speech in Khan's Mississauga Ontario riding which was to welcome him into the Tory fold. It seems Khan's Mississauga car dealership over padded his own financial purse to ensuring an easily fluffed up victory in last years federal election. But since he was elected a liberal then defected to the Tories neither the liberals or the Tories will back him up on this one. The liberals are now screaming for an investigation and most likely his head on a stick and the Conservatives, well they're doing what they do best and not returning Khan's calls and cries for support.

Conservatives Get Green Under Pressure

2007-01-16T08:33:00.000-05:00

"We plan more than just brochures this time."

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Conservatives have decided to roll out the green carpet later this week to announce their new green agenda. With pressure mounting to do something a year after being elected Harpo started the new year off right by kicking the Ministry of Environmental Disasters portfolio across the floor from lame duck Rona Ambose's oily claws to Harpo's own pit-bull John Baird. But, it seems John's acting somewhat apprehensive about what to do with this potentially political sinking ship.

The Harpoville Post has learned that being minister of a dead-duck can have its drawbacks and with no money to do much Baird has been 'scent' out to B.C. to wine and dine the NDP for some 'new and innovating' ideas and suggestions on what to do next with this pesty 'global warming' that just won't go away. But, since there is really very little new that can be done it may be time to bring back the old bruised and battered baby Harpo and his crew threw old with the murky Liberal bath water his government inherited just one year ago. They've decided to give the Liberal ideas a 'make-over' and see if they can't salvage some face and credibility locally because they've been laughed off the international stage one too many times. Though with breath a baited and set for new environmental announcements they won't becoming for the new Minister of Environmental Disasters John Baird. Word has it Canada will soon become a greener place with announcement from the Minister of Natural Resources.............. What? The government seems to be in denial when a report, released just last year, said that 24% of new green house gases can be traced back to Alberta's doorstep and the Ministry of Natural Resources.

The Harpoville Post speculates that Harpo has something up his sleeve other than pasty, white arms. First get a Minister with no experience to run the ministry then get all the new announcements for that new ministry announced by someone not familiar with the Ministry and keep your environmental Pit-Bull minister chained up in the back ready to unleash with the first scent of media disapproval that's sure to come down the pike. It sounds like a repeat of Harpo's first year in office.

The Harpoville Post imagines Harpos backyard. On one side of the yard is a chained John Baird on the other side a chained Charles McVety. Both with sharp teeth and studded collars. Just chomping at the bit to be released on the unsuspecting Canadian media.

Federal Government Again Loosing War On Drugs

2007-01-15T12:26:00.000-05:00

"Conservatives plan to spent even more money on useless policing practices"

The Harpoville Post reports that a new study shows the Canadian Federal spends 73 percent of its 'War on Drugs' budget on policing and that it's a complete waste of time and energy. The Conservative Government, after reading the report, they paid for, has decided to step up their 'War on Drugs' by spending more money on policing. "If we could get everyone in the country who has ever smoked a marijuana cigarette or even thought about smoking a marijuana cigarette into prison where they belong it'll be more money better spent," said the Minister of Un-Health Tony Clement. The report underlines the Governments 245 Million dollar 'War on Drugs' strategy as ineffective at battling the effects of drug use by spending 73% on police and only 14% on treatment and 7% on research.

The Harpoville Post has learned that with news of the study comes word the government plans to follow through with even more useless spending on the taxpayers money by pouring more good money after bad. "This new Conservatives Government plans to change the approach of former ill-effective liberals governments by committing even money to policing and incarcerating more of Canada's stress filled recreational drug users, putting them into jails ruining their jobs, their family's and their chances at a bigger, brighter Canadian future. And we are quite proud of that".

US Bombs Somalia On a Whim

2007-01-09T09:04:00.000-05:00

"The United States is presently engage in war with more countries in the past 60 years since WW2"

The Harpoville Post reports that the slim sliver of light that was, but for a second, the Democratic parties regaining of the US Congress was swiftly extinguished today as US bombs rained down on the tiny island of Badmadow in southern Somalia. The bombs were in answer to suspicion's that two al Qaeda members were living in the area. It leaves some wondering why G.W. Bush only held hands with Saudi Arabia when it was discovered that 16 of the 9/11 al Qaeda bombers were from that country.

The Harpoville Post has learned that America's desire for a war with the world was stepped up a big notch with the attacking Muslim extremists in Africa, a hemisphere full of them. Since the Americans aren't having much luck controlling the al Qaeda in Afghanistan and Iraq one wonders why they're wasting they're time chasing two al Qaeda members into another continent.

The Harpovillle Post reports last weeks announcement by G.W. Bush to put more American lives on the line, now sitting at over 3000, by doubling the troops in the 3 year disaster know as "Operation Iraqi Freedom". This move will only give al Qaeda more American troops to bomb, shoot at and send home in a box, which by the way, if everyone has forgotten still isn't being allowed to make the American prime-time news.

Canadian Actors in Actra Set To Strike

2007-01-04T07:54:00.000-05:00

"As more Americans actors arrive in Toronto to replace the Canadian actors who, for years, have been playing American actors on American productions being fimed in Canada."

The Harpoville Post reports that 97% of Canadians actors belonging to Actra are set to strike on Monday January 8 if their demands are not met. The 21,000 members of Actra, the Alliance of Canadian Cinema, Television and Radio Arts are set to strike across Canada, except for British Columbia, over wage disputs. It seems the producers that hire and pay the actors want Actra to include the internet as part of their broadcast umbrella. But Actra isn't sure where that might fit into their name Actra.

The Harpoville Post has learned the people who have run the over-priced, exclusive Canadian actors union really don't care if the actors faces and performances are plastered all over the internet, which they already are, they're just not sure on how to fit the letter 'I' into the word Actra. The union has suggested just adding the letter 'I', for the word internet, to the end of the word to form the new word Actrai, which would suit most of the American producers just fine, eh!

Life Back To Normal Now Saddam Is Dead

2006-12-30T22:16:00.000-05:00

"It's a slow day in Iraq when the death count slips below 100 civilians"

The Harpoville Post reports as the sun rose in Iraq and while Hussien still hung from the rope and swung from the media-friendly, make-shift gallows life in downtown Baghdad slowly eased back to nomal. There was no real increase or decrease, for that matter, of murder and mayhem in downtown Baghdad as was expected from the western media. It might be because with no real newspapers or television to speak of most Iraqis woke up today with no idea Suaddam had been hung just hours before. So life in Bahgdad went on as usual with with the 100 Irqais a day dieing in the street since America liberated that country from.......... What was it again why were liberated from?

The Harpoville Post has learned that another 6 US soliders died today taking the tally to 2,998 since the American's invaded/liberated Iraq in March of 2003. The White House hopes the death of Saddam will want Iraqis to turn the page and get on with rebuilding Iraq but most insides beleive that's a long way off and life in Iraq was a hell-of-a-lot better back when Saddam the terrible was running things.

Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead

2006-12-30T08:44:00.000-05:00

"While some wonder which witch was the right witch to hang?"

The Harpoville Post reports that the President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein, was pronounced dead as Millions of Iraqis were suspected of forgoing regular American based TV broadcasts of MTV and Sienfield to watch the public hanging. But since much of Iraqis still sit in total darkness since the American invasion, three years ago, those numbers could not be confirmed. Also news of all night dancing in the streets in Baghdad to the news of Saddams death could also not be confirmed due to the curfew that blankets that city.

The Harpoville Post has learned that merriment and rejoicing was reported to be coming from the White House as US President G.W. Bush held an old fashion Texas Hold 'em Then Hang 'em party. The President was in good spirits surrounded by his father and the few Republican supports left as he joked; "With my dad here I guess we could have invited his old pal Saddam Hussein but I hear he got hung up somewhere."

The Harpoville Post reports that G.W. Bush was over heard saying; "the Iraqis found Saddam guilty and hung em high and I am proud to say I see this as a positive step towards Iraq moving forward to an American style of republican democracy. Maybe we can learn a thing or two from these Iraqis and bring public hanging back to America and American televisions."

The Harpoville Post wonders if the treatment of Saddam, once a close friend to the White House, has left present day world leaders close to the Bush White House feeling a little tinge in their necks.

Harper Caught in The C- Hairs of Fraud

2006-12-27T23:15:00.000-05:00

"Does my breath smell funny?"

The Harpoville Post reports that news of corruption in the conservative idea of accounting has landed Prime Minister Harpo firmly in the lap of dishonesty. The Prime Ministers office has refused to comment on new accounting findings that three Tory members, including Prime Minister Harpo himself, had over contributed to Conservative coffers to sercure Harpo the best seat in the House, that of Canadian Prime Minister.

The Harpoville Post has learned that heated denials of Conservative Party wrong doing are now being quietly admitted by the party while the Prime Minister is nowhere near Ottawa to answer to the charges. And with his name at the top of the shit-heap of those accused Harpo will eventually have to come out of hiding to answer why 1 1/2 Million dollars of over donated funds was supplied to secure his place in the highest seat in the land, that of Prime Minister.

The Harpoville Post reports that The Conservatve Government tried, unsuccessfully just last month, to amend the Canada Elections Act to ensure just such illegal donations be allowed and go unpunished.

Conservatives Go Gay Bashing

2006-12-05T01:01:00.000-05:00

"We're planning to kick some faggity ass back to the middle ages or at least the late 90's."

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo plans to make good on his promise to obey Canada's own 'Dark Prince', Charles McVety, and reopen the gay marriage debate in Parliament this week. Harpo has decided to push through the debate despite the publics outcry for the minority government to work on more pressing issues like taking care of the environment. Prime Minister Harpo's response; "It hard to concentrate on the weather when 12 thousand gays are getting married".

The Harpoville Post has learned that its not only the normally latent, homo-phobic Conservative MP's that are crying out for they're day in the sun to kick at the can of gay rights but now some Liberal members are hopping on the gay bashing Conservative band-wagon and are hoping to get their foot in that door as well. There are a few Liberal MP's are now standing up to say they were forced by former Prime Minister Paul Martin to bend over and take the gay marriage bill from behind and now they want a chance to set the record straight; that they hate fagots. Liberal MP John McKay said; "I think it unwise for a leader to whip his or her caucus, that is unless the mood has been set with some vintage Manalow and one has been properly demoralized first, which can be quite hot".

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Prime Minister is hoping to stir the soup of deep seated gay hate that lies beneath most self loathing sexually repressed members of Canada's Conservative political party's in Ottawa. Members who constantly cater to special interest groups, such as Charles McVety, who through their use of religion as a podium and tax shield to finance their gay hate mandate. Groups who's only interest is to control Canada from afar while pointing accusing fingers at hard working, private tax paying Canada's who should have all the same rights as any other citizen but are refused them because of hate and fear financed through Canada's own 'Dark Prince', Charles McVety and his religious right.

Rae Nails Speech But Looses Race

2006-12-02T20:21:00.000-05:00

"Conservatives brag they were behind Rae's loss"

The Harpoville Post reports that news of Bob Rae's lose, in the Liberal leadership race, to Stephane Dion today came with cheers and high-fives from Harpo and the Conservative camp who have finally admitted they worked long and hard to make sure Harpo didn't face Bob Rae in the next election. The Conservatives have now admitted that Bob Rae was the one candidate they were afraid of running against their boy Harpo in the next federal election, which is expected next year.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Conservatives were on the floor in Montreal since early Friday at the Liberal leadership convention handing out button reading; "Go For Bob, Go For Broke" and "Make Bob the First NDP Prime Minister". The Conservatives spent two days working the floor scarying Liberals away from Bob Rae. Bob, who on friday night, was the only candidate who delivered his speech without the use of tele-promters showing he was the only candidate to be able to speak from the heart, not the page and think on his feet.

The Harpoville P{ost reports that these Conservatives tactics should prove to many the American style underhanded dealings the Conservatives will stoop to, to make sure Canada doesn't get a fair and honest chance at a good Prime Minister.

Pam Dumps Kid Rock Off at The Pool

2006-12-02T12:14:00.000-05:00

"It seems Kiddy Rock is 'hotter' under the collar than anywhere else."

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadian starlet Pam Anderson has called off her marriage to America's #1 trailer park kid, Kid Rock. The hot starlet filed papers this week saying that her four month marriage to 'The Kid' was an another unfortunate lapse in judgment and she promises to try to never to be that stupid again.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the reason behind Pam and 'The Kids' split is Borat, that lovable Kazakhstanian documentarian who featured Pam in his recent successful film; 'Borat'. Pa-Mel-a!, as Borat calls her, played herself in the film and Borat's one true quest to come to America was to throw her in his traditional wedding-sack and take her home to be his bride. The film was seen as a mock-umentary by everyone who saw it, that is, everyone but Kid Rock. It seems The Kid had trouble following the plot and got quite irate when Borat tried to bag his bride. The Kid really lost it when her flew into a public rage dishing Pam-Mel-a! for taking such a role while he was her husband.

The Harpoville Post reports that if the Kid's public misunderstanding and rage wasn't enough 'The Kid' moved the temper dial up a notch by holding his breath, stomping his feet and calling his wife Pa-Mel-a a "slut and a whore". Which seems a might slow for even a dope like the Kid considering that Kid must have missed the home made sex video Pam starred in with her twice ex-husband Tommy Lee, another man not known for his higher intellect, in which Pa-Mel-a! did a real Oscar winning performance as a "slut and a whore".

Rae Calls For Harper's Head

2006-11-26T12:51:00.000-05:00

"The quicker we get rid of this guy the quicker we can relax."

The Harpoville Post reports that the Liberals 'top-gun' suitor fired off his #1 most secret desire before kicking off this week Liberal leadership grand finally. It seems at the top of Bob Rae's top-ten list sits Prime Minister Harpo's head. Bob's double barreled assault couldn't have been better planned as the Tory's wrap up their 'do you love me' bait and switch election hedging promises with cash and deep-seated Nationality to Cancer, Net Debt and Quebec.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the promises seeping from beneath the iron clad gates of Harpo's lair were well played out starting with Canada's Minister of Lack-O-Finance Jim Flaherty Monday Morning promise to clean up the "Net Debt" in no time at all. But by mid-week when questioned by a real financier Flaherty admitted the "Net Debt" won't do a god-dame thing to pay down the National Debt of $480 Billion. His only response was; "We'll leave that for someone else" The next two Harpo announcements were both give-a-ways of a different sort. Harpo's desire to drop 250 Million in the middle of Canada for Cancer and stand back and watch the 10 provinces and two territories with 30 Million Cancer capable contestants scrap it out between themselves. But when divided by 30 Million it's not hard to see $8.25 each isn't going to go far and buy much but a few votes at election time, which is expected next year.

The Harpoville Post reports that though not the last promise of Harpo's 'do you love me yet?' week, before he slips back into the safe and secure arms of his protectors to watch the future opponent emerge when the Liberal leader is picked. Harpo knows he can easily whip Michael Ijnatieff with his fence post firmly situated sitting stance on all things especially the ones he's already took a stand on. Harpo will carve him to bits but, Rae? Rae's different. Rae's an experienced opponent the type of guy you'd run into in the grocery store. Harpo's never been in a grocery store and he has no interest. So Harpo's next move was to promise nothing but a place for the Bloc Party to sit at the Conservative table. Though not at the table but by it as their own Nation. This smells of a vote hunting scheme that Harpo has decided to kick some dirt up in Quebecer's faces to see if they fall for it. Quebec's desire for a separate country has been going on as long as Federation itself. Why a leader of a country would decide to stir the fires of separation, once more leaves the intelligent a view into this man's true motives and for the reason of Bob Rae's outcry.

Poor Kramer!... I Mean Richards, I Mean Kramer .....

2006-11-25T10:12:00.000-05:00

"Karmer, I mean Richards only problem is he was too slow out of the gate."

Entertainment Exclusive

The Harpoville Post reports that, like in life, the good stories die young and the bad ones live on forever. Last weeks on stage, then film, then You Tube 'melt down' of actor/comedian Michael Richards at a L. A. Comedy club is starting to look like the only successful reincarnation of Mike's career in the ten years since he left Seinfeld or Seinfeld left him. Though Mike's racial 'peppered' remarks are doing more to boost his ratings in the KKK than back on TV. The actors 'meltdown' after being heckled while on stage have all the makings of a 'old fashion lynching' and it's too bad Kramer, I mean Richards, or his handlers, as if anyone would touch him now, didn't see that at the time.

The Harpoville Post sees Kramer, I mean Richards, as the victim here. A lone, thin, scared white man verbally attacked by two 'big black men' while trying desperately to be loved and accepted and rebuild his shattered career, up there, alone on the stage. He had no way to protect himself from the double barreled race filled hate that was fired at him from the audience so he reached for the only weapon he had at his disposal; words. Now if Kramer, I mean Richards took a page out of the book of history, comedic history that is, he'd have quoted some Lenny Bruce ("I got two nigger's, two nigger's and a spic. Two niggers, a spic and a dago. Who'll give me a dike for two niggers a spic and a dago.) convince his accusers that they are only words and we're the ones who put the value on those words, not the words themselves. Then after coming up with that defense he turns the table and take his turn as the victim (cause right now, it's a victims world. The victim card is much stronger than the race card) he'd most likely be booked back at that comedy club and a million more across the country. (Plus, he'd have a great routine) Why? Cause controversy sells baby and puts the punters in the seats. And right now Kramer, I mean Richards is a hot bed of controversy. Unfortunately, since the big screen release of 'Birth of a Nation' it's the one hot ticket Hollywood hasn't quite figured out how to sell.

The Harpoville Post reports that Lenny Bruce could have pulled himself out of this hole pretty quick but Kramer, I mean Richards I'm afraid he's made his last exit and be advised that anyone holding stock at the Seinfeld channel best sell now. Word has it that Richards has hired a 'big-time' public relations man to fix his image problem by hiring Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to hang out with this cracker. Soon Kramer, I mean Richards, will be seen at Mickeyd's take out window driving a pimped out Escalade and shompin' on a Big Mac saying; "I'm lovin' it"

Conservatives Still Soft on Gun Crime

2006-11-24T08:18:00.000-05:00

"Now after repeated crimes with a gun at least this big the convicted criminal will have to prove to the courts, after he gets his gun back, he just won't go out and do it again."

The Harpoville Post reports Harpo's 'get tough of gun crime' campaign does more to show how soft the Canadian courts are to gun toting criminals today than how tough they'll be tomorrow. As Harpo stood in downtown Toronto, flanked by the premiere of Ontario and the Mayor of Toronto, to announce the Conservatives aren't really in a big hurry to stop the increase in guns and gun violence that is seeping in from the south and onto Canadian streets.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Harpo's new considered legislation will force those already convicted of a gun crime and who get arrested a second time to prove to the judge they are still not a danger to society. It seems the terms 'gun crime' and 'second time' should be enough to weigh any judge or jury to lean towards the courts but, not in Harpo's world. Already lawyers, slimier than the criminals they represent are seeing this as a pay day to end all pay days. "the Conservatives will guarantee nothing moves thru the courts", said Mel Lousmen a downtown Toronto lawyer. "They'll be no convictions just more bail hearings and more trips to the bank."

The Harpoville Post reports that Harpo's new 'Made in Canada' solution, which is years away from becoming law, will do nothing to address or deter the increasing amount of guns on the street or the people who decide to reach for a gun when they decide to do a crime. Canada has harsher penalties for first offence drinking and driving convictions than they do for first offence gun convictions.

"Our suggestion is if you plan to drink and drive take a gun with you and you'll most likely get off."

Nov.22 1963 If You Weren't There, You'll Never Know

2006-11-22T08:20:00.000-05:00

"43 years ago today they slaughtered a man on the streets of Dallas."

Editorial Comment:
The Harpoville Post reports that even after all this time the most significant event to change the course of history in the last 100 years in the United States and the World came and went with little or no mention. On this day 43 years ago in Dallas Texas America watched, near silent, as their President was carved up and served, like a Thanksgiving turkey and America took it's place in the history of the World as a World Empire. Like the pages out of the history book, after the killing of the leader takes place, the country is then controlled from behind closed doors. A secret military style government is in place, one whose desire is World domination with total secrecy is short and sweet.

After JFK was assassinated on the streets of Dallas Texas at 12:30 pm Nov 1963 America was taken over and controlled to become what she is today the most feared(China, Iran and N.Korea), hated(Middle East), indebted(9 Trillion and counting) and dangerous country in the world. They, the inventor's of everything from Pop Tarts to Television, Hummers to Hooters, McDonald's to Madonna and Dick's to Bush have as if forgotten they're own history in a breakneck race to write even more. Those who do not learn from the past and destine to repeat the same mistakes.

Three reasons to kill him:
1) He planned to remove J.Edgar Hover as head of the FBI
2) He wanted to smash the CIA into 1,000 pieces.
3) He wanted to end the Federal Reserve. He said; "As long as there is a Federal Reserve America will be in debt." 43 years later America is 9 Trillion in the hole.

Rebuilding Afghanistan One Ferrari at a Time

2006-11-21T08:24:00.000-05:00

"At $150,000 a bomb it would be cheaper to throw Ferrari's into the Afghani desert."

The Harpoville Post reports the rebuilding of Afghanistan by the Canadian led troops is non existent with news more money is going into American manufactured 'smart bombs' than into supplying water and electricity to the southern Afghani region. Though Lack of Defense Minister Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald, is steadfast on his delusionary claims of only spending 4 Billion on Canada's 'Peace seeking War' by 2009 someone better slip O'Connor a calculator and quick.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Canadian Military is planning to buy American made Excaliber bombs and at a cost of $150,000 per smart bomb and one wonders how smart that really is. To prove their case the Conservative Government dusted off old retired Major McKenzie and wheeled him in front of the cameras to underline their need to buy bigger, better, more expensive bombs. Major McKenzie said; "Just imagine if Canadian troops could find a group of Talibaner's who were about to attack our Canadian troops and we could blow them up real good with one of those at whatever the cost." When reporters asked Major Mackenzie if he didn't think $150,000 per bomb wasn't a little expensive he said; "Your shittin' me right? Who in their right mind would spend $150 grand on a bomb. Why not throw a Fucking Ferrari at them or maybe a fist full of Kia's. That's stupid. Can you guys point me towards the bar?"

The Harpoville Post reports that news of Canada's ever shrinking military isn't just credited to retirement and work related injuries, on or off the battlefield, but to a mass exodus to the sweet life of mercenary employment. Highly trained members of the Canadian Joint Task Force 2 are quitting the JTF2 and signing on for mercenary employment with the American's in Iraq for $1,000 per day only about 2000% more than they made in the Canadian military to do the same job. As the Conservative Government scrambles to fill the shrinking ranks of the military with expensive TV commercials aimed at those teenaged 'gamers' lurking in your basement they're not having much luck. After eliminating reading and writing at a grade 6 level as a requirement and allowing most applicants at least 6 tries at passing a drug test they're only averaging about 2 out of ever 10 that apply. One wonders when the Canadian military will take a page from the Taliban recruiting handbook, who are having no problem refilling their ranks.

Canadian Coffee In Kandahar Costly

2006-11-17T09:20:00.000-05:00

"Only the Canadian Government could loose money opening a Tim Hortons"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Canadian Military's attempt to bring a little bit of home to the fighting troops in Afghanistan is costing Canadian tax payers more than they could even imagine. The two coffee and donut dispensing trailers have been open for just six months and have so far cost Canadians 4 Million dollars making it the only Tim Hortons outlet in the world to be loosing money.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Coffee and Donut giant waved the $475,000 franchise fee but sure stuck it to them for everything else. It seems Tim's sold the eager coffee consuming military two coffee shilling trailers for $380,000 and then military spent $425,000 flying them first class, via two Russian cargo planes, to Kandahar. The engineers who backed the trailers into place and plugged them into an electrical outlet weren't without their mits out and raked in $350,000 for they're day in the sun.(Doesn't the Canadian Military have their own engineers?). Then when it came time to order Tim Horton paper bags, Timbits boxes and cups that cost $1.4 Million. Then add on the cost of keeping the place open the first year $550,000. Then there are salaries of $650,000 a year (Because minimum wage in Kandahar is much higher than Canada's $7.25 and hour) then add another $30,000 for training (I seems repeating the phrase "Will that be everything" needs to be practice endlessly to get right).

The Harpoville Post reports that the Kandahar outlet serves about 1000 coffees a day and usually runs out of donuts and muffins on a regular basis making the daily take at Tim's Kandahar in the ball park of about $2,500 US per day, it seems the Canadian military had concluded Canadian currency is worthless in Kandahar that's why the US currency. So, $2500. US per day times, the six monthes it's been open say 150 days makes it about $400,000 US the military have taken in and have decided to keep in a bank account and let the Canadian tax payer pay for the rest. When asked what will happen to all the profits from Tim's Kandahar a military spokesperson replied; "We're planning to use this money to set up a 'sent a kid to camp' program. That is send a kid to 'military camp' program."

Tory's Say Fuck The Environment

2006-11-03T00:40:00.000-05:00

"And have decide to go Gay bashing"

The Haporville Post reports that as the Harpo Government tries hard to ignore resent scientific results that we' are all heading to environmental Hell in a Lincoln Escalade they're not without a plan 'B'. This week Harpo was quick to turn a whole stack of negitives in to one big Conservative positive by announcing his deep seated desire; "Let's go beat up some fagots".

The Harpoville Post has learned that the most pressing item on the fall Conservative calender is clobering C-38, the Gay Marriage Law. This is all compliments of Charles McVety and his religious rightous who now, having helped Harpo gain power, swing a pretty big mean-stick in Ottawa. A stick Harpo has decided he'd rather have swung at a bunch of 'homo loving fagots' than himself. Although the year old bill passed easily in house with a vote of 158 to 133, a point spread the Conservatives would have 'just died for' in the last election, Harpo, I mean McVety, has decided a lot of Liberals that voted for Bill C-38 would rather be back up on the political fence, impaled in govermental debate, on what should or shouldn't, can or can't and will or won't be done in the bedrooms of the nation after Canadian taxpayers, over the age of consent, say "I do".

Calgary Cop Caught Collecting Guns for Ca$h

2006-10-28T10:09:00.000-04:00

"These are old guns we're dealing with, real nickle and dime shit"

The Harpoville Post reports that a Calgary cop with 18 years experence got caught with his fingers in the gun collective kitty reselling guns that were supposed to be distroyed. When a Calgary woman called the cops to pick up two guns she wanted distroyed, during that city's gun amnesty program the woman was suprised when the officers refused to take them. A week later one of the officers return, in plan clothes and offered to buy the guns off her for ten dollars. The woman declined the offer, the officer went away and then return and offered her twenty dollars and a business card from a gun dealer in Edmonton to prove the weapons were worthless. The woman then, after getting nothing but offers from the police, called the press.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Constable Dean Pankewicz wanted to buy the guns and then resell them to the Edmonton gun dealer for a profit of $250 each. The officer has been suspended, with pay, pending an investigation. Calgary police have collected 600 guns since the amnesty program began but it is not clear how many they have resold and put back on the street.

Charles McVety Casts The First Stone

2006-10-25T09:16:00.000-04:00

"I'm doing God's work of persecuting sinners"

The Harpoville Post reports that Charles McVety, leader of the Canadian Family Action Council took to the streets of Ottawa to gain support for the Harpo Government's attempt to reopen Bill C-38, The Civil Marriage Act. Though McVety was impressed by the amount of those that showed up he was suprised how few supported his anti-gay stance.

The Harpoville Post has learned McVety, founder, owner and operator of the C.F.A.C. and the religious based, Vote Marriage Canada, two orgainizations McVety created for just this reason, are the only ones interested in going down that 'should law abiding, tax paying gays be allowed to marry' road again. The Unitarian Church of Canada, who has been marrying same sex couples for years has no problem with it and wants it left alone. Rabbi Steven Garten from Temple Israel spoke out against McVety and his predominantly Christan based gay bashing opposition and the reopening of C-38 and the gay marriage debate.

The Harpoville Post reports that the only support McVety's gay bashing crusade received was from Louis Deserres from the McVety financed V.M.C. who rambled on incoherently about how the same sex marrriage law legally allows the natural parent to be taken away from a child. This comment raised even more eye brows to where McVety might be doing his recruiting.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Rabbi Garten who had this to say; "The Jewish community is not of one mind about the sanctity of marriage. I mean where the hell would the entertainment industry be without gay Jews."

Madonna's Baby David's Dad Speaks Out

2006-10-24T20:41:00.000-04:00

" I thought she was putting him into a life of prostitution not a life of luxury"

The Harpoville Post reports the 32-year-old African peasant farmer who allowed Madonna to have his son is finally speaking out but no one is quite sure what he's trying to say. Last weeks uproar was because Madonna decided she wanted to return from her trip to Africa with something more than a bag of handmade trinkets and a suitcase full of illegal Ivory. It seems Madonna had her eye on a little black baby boy she spotted at an orphanage on the 22-day 27-orphanages tour she'd signed up for. Soon the papers were signed and Madonna headed for the airport with her new child in tow, through pictures later revealed Madonna has a white woman to do all her heavy towing. Everything was fine until she entered Heathrow airport and customs discovered there are laws against that type of carry on luggage.

The Harpoville Post has learned when news returned to Africa that Madonna had left with the child the boy's father suddenly got upset when he realized what the word adoption meant and decided he wanted the air to his peasant farming life returned immediately and most likely put to work. The peasant farmer, named Yohane Banda was quite impressed by Madonna naming his son David and said; "It's a far sight better than Yohane. What kind of name is Yohane? Do you think somebody was going to call me Hane and yelled it out by mistake one day? I think that's what happened." The man went on to say about the adoption of his son; "I will look forward to the day when my son David, after living with Madonna and her no talent husband in castles and fancy hotels around the world, eating the best foods served on the best china and crystal and being educated by the the most brilliant minds on the planet then finally, when he's grown to be a man, return to me and take his rightful place in the family business of peasant farming."

Mexico Clears Murders Mom of Slayings

2006-10-24T05:13:00.000-04:00

"It's the way we do it down Mexico way"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Mexican authorities have cleared Delgado Fajardo, 36, in the slaying of two Canadian tourists last winter down Mexico way. Mr. and Mrs. Domenic Ianiero of Woodbridge Ontario who were in Mexico for a family wedding were found in their blood soaked room in a posh Mexican resort with their throats slashed. The case has been wrapped in controversy when it was reported that the couples blood was mopped up and their room made up long before police were even informed a crime had been committed.

The Harpoville Post reports that within no time the Mexican police took charge of the murder scene and turned their attention on two middle aged cougars from Thunder Bay Ontario. The two gals, who were out on a tear were down in Mexico for fun, sun and maybe get them-selves some Cabana Boy action were picked up by police as they arrived back in Thunder Bay, sunburn and hung-over. After the Mexican authorities spent two weeks in Canada seeing the sights and clearing the two single mothers they returned to Mexico and turned their stealth like police attention towards Delgado Fajardo 36 a security guard working at the hotel. Reports that the trained ex-army commando, Delgado, befriended the Canadian couple, escorting them around the resort and rubbing Mr. Ianiero's tired feet did not at first arouse suspicion with the police or did the fact that Delgado disappeared along with the couples jewlery the day of the murder and has not been seen since cause them much concern either.

The Harpoville Post has now learned that Mexican authorities have cleared the mother of Delgado Fajardo of any wrong doing after a hair of hers was not found, after numerous cleanings, at the posh Mexican murder scene. So Mexican authorities have decided to clear Delgado of any wrong doing though he still remains at large and this winters tourist-o season is rapidly approaching.

Pro-McKay Supporters Love Their Bitches

2006-10-21T11:49:00.000-04:00

"We lik'em barefoot, pregant and down on all fours."

The Harpoville Poost reports that after much consideration from Canadian women voters they're finding the new Conservative Government beyond serious consideration. A new poll is showing that the Harpo Government is loosing the support of intelligent women voters who walk upright on two legs. Though, it seems, Tory support is still strong from slow, subservant women that walk on four legs and are referred to in the Tory Government as "Bitches."

The Harpoville Post has learned that although support has been slipping since the summer recent events have stepped up the decline. Last month the Harpo Government celebrated, through the hard work of the previous Liberal Government, a 13 Billion dollar kitty. The Government celebrated it by slashing a Billion dollars worth of spending from women's groups and Native Illiteracy programs. Now with this weeks announcement in the House of Commons from Foreign affairs Minister Peter McKay that his ex-girlfriend Belinda Stronach is nothing but a dog is not winning over fair-sex voters. But, the real stinger comes in McKay's insistance he didn't do it. The state of Peter's riverside address in India is being pumped up on the Net as pro-Tory bloggers, usualy short, stocky, bald men who's massive rejection from the fair sex still burns deep within their souls as they support Peter's puss-filled, crotch comments made about Belinda, (the one that got away) Stronach.

The Harpoville Post reports the reversal of their mis-fortune from female voters will not happen anytime soon as this Tory Government blindly follows the desires of religious strong-armers like Charles McVety as they step deeper into the abyss by reopening the same sex marriage law set for this fall. Though the Harpo Government knows they can not overturn the Gay Marriage law they want to make sure any Homo Hating House of The Lord won't have to bide by the new law and allow and offer services in what they call un-holy unions.

Sir Paul Beat Heather With Her Own Prostatic

2006-10-20T11:40:00.000-04:00

"He made me dance around the room on one leg while he was high crazed on pot."

The Harpoville Post reports that Heather McCartney's lawyers have released a mountain of alligations againist ex-Beatle Sir Paul McCartney and his massive fortune. As the divorice heats up Heather sets her sights on the biggest payday in all the history of divorce settlements. With an estimated fortune of one and a half Billion dollars and no pre-nup insight Sir Paul stands to be the next big reason to say no to smoking dope.

The Harpoville Post has learned although British tabloids are forbidden by law to release divorice alligations, until they're proven to be true, and though no ones owning up to how these pre-court documents were released but since they're all alliged to be againist Sir Paul any stoner could easily stumble to the door of Heather and her lawyers. Which has even the press scratching their heads because one of the reasons given by Heather for the breakup of the couple is; 'the constant intrusion of the press into our private lives.' Though it all shouldn't come as such a big suprise because a close friend of Heather's, revealed recently that 'big breaking news' was on the way.

The Harpoville Post reports that Heather's alligitions led down only one road that Sir Paul is a drunken, vendictive, pot smoking loat who deserves a good shagging of the pocket book. In Heather's claim to $750 Million dollars she swears Paul, broke a wine glass into her arm, refused her a bed pan so she didn't have to hop to the john in the middle of the night and tried to stop Heather from breast feeding their baby by pushing the child away and screaming "no, I'm the one in need of calcum."

New Polls Scare The Shit out of Conservatives

2006-10-18T21:53:00.000-04:00

"Smell that? It's like the whole Conservative caucus just shit their pants"

The Harpoville Post reports that a recent poll has Harpo's Government neck and neck with the Liberals and that's with a Libeal party without a Liberal leader. The news must have hit the Conservative quite hard because once they cleaned out their pants they went about purging the party of any rotten fruit they feel they might have ingested. First to go was long time Conservative party member Garth Turner, who's been around since the early 90's, which was back when there was a real Conservative party but who now sits alone, with one other guy, in the cheap seats with a little plaque labled "Independant".

The Harpoville Post has learned that even Garth didn't see this one coming but he must of smelled it from a long way away after months of writting his blog and voicing his 'much needed opinion' on the inner workings of this new Conservative Government. Prime Minister Harpo was too busy in the toilet to do the dirty himself and left it up to the Ontario Conservative wing, the weakest of the bunch, to give Garth a wedgy, they've long desired before sending him on his way. The Prime Minister's office is swearing the fifth for Harpo who was no where to be seen, heard from or asked when the press came a calling which leads one to suspect; "Isn't that the way he really wants it."

The Harpoville Post reports that the Harpo 'cone of silence' is stretching further and farther than anyone could have suspected when the Prime Minister says he wants a more "open and accountable government" he means seal all the leaks and batten done the hatchs which really means cut anyone from the party that has his own opinion and the balls enough, whether they smell of shit or not, to voice them.

Viva Las CBGB's

2006-10-15T07:41:00.000-04:00

"There is talk of a Johnny Rotten Roulette Wheel but the Sid Vicious Slots have yet to be confirmed."

The Harpoville Post reports that Hell has frozen over packed up and moved out west to Las Vegas as news the New York City nite-club CBGB's is doing the same. The club, which has been a New York City landmake for some 30 years, first opened as a bar offering both types of music, Country and Western, but by the late 70's they decided to take the 'O' out of country and go punk. Soon it was the place to be with a safety pin thru your cheek and your best ripped 'T'. Now 30 years later they're picking up, packing up and going western again but this time all the way the Las Vegas.

The Harpoville Post has learned that big city real estate is the reason that CBGB's is closing its doors and looking for a new place to hang its shingle. But, all the way to Las Vegas? It's seems Manhattans movers and shakers needed another place to wet their parched asbestos coated post 9/11 lips so they decided that the Bowery's CBGB's location was the best place to open another Tony Martini's. So they've given CBGB's owner Hilly Kristal his walking papers and he's packing up all up, the bar, the posters, the vinyl Vicious vomit and even the toilets where many a junky OD on and dragging it all out west to set it up on the Glitz and Glitter strip of Las Vegas.

The Harpoville Post reports the soon 'old punk rockers', who haven't already slipped out the back door to meet their maker, will be seen strutting the Las Vegas strip with the likes of Liza, Elton, Rod, Barbara, Zigfield and half of Roy doing three shows a night with a two drink minimum saying things like; "Maybe you remember this one and I'll be here all week try the veal."

Liberals Don't Know Mr. Jew Like I Do

2006-10-13T07:54:00.000-04:00

"We, the Conservative Party of Canada, ignored Israel's use of cluster bombs to slaughter innocent women and children in Lebanon unlike those Jew hating Liberals"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadian Prime Minister Harpo's damnation of Liberal leadership hopeful Michael Ignatieff honest realization that Israel committed 'war crimes' against Lebanon when they invaded that country and bombed it back into the 6th centry. Ignatieff first response was to say it was beneath him and his office to respond to such a comment. Which is in contrast to Ignatieff's original comment; "I'm not loosing any sleep over it" when asked how he felt about Israel's invasion of Lebanon.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Liberal leadership hopeful Bob Rae has a bone to pick with Harpo for the fact that he has a Jew of his own at home and takes offence at Harpo's insistance that all Liberal's hate 'the Jew'. Bob Rae told the Harpoville Post; "What an asshole he is. I've got a Jew wife and half Jew kids, how can he say I don't support the Jew's. Have you seen my daughters cell phone bill?"

The Harpoville Post also spoke to Gerard Kennedy another candidate who sits on the long end of the short list in the leadership race and he had this to say: "Harpo was looking after his pocket book and not the country's interest when he made such a comment. When Israel invaded Lebanon Harpo was in Russia with U.S. President George Bush lap dogging in support of whatever the Americans said. Then once he had the Jew hear he went after the Jew purse and Harpo sent his money men across Canada cashing in and now he's still cashing in. It's obvious to see who ownes Harpo's pound of flesh."

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Ignatieff camp is taking this Tory assualt the hardest with one of his biggest Jew supporters and fund raisers in Ontario jumping ship after learning of his anti-jew comments. Though by Friday Micheal's latest decission is to take the time to travel to Israel to see first hand what his comments have done to dry up the flow of dough he so badly needs to keep the front runner position in his bid for Liberal leadership........ God forbid he travel to Lebanon to see first hand where the real damage lies.

Republicans Have Know it For Years

2006-10-11T06:05:00.000-04:00

"That the internet is the best place to pick up a young hot male page."

The Harpoville Post reports that the news of the Republicans knowledge of Florida's favorite son Congressman Mark Foley's fancy footwork on the internet dates all the way back to the year 2000. That's long before U.S. President G. W. Bush knew there was anything called the 'Super Highway'. It seems a few members of the house were 'down' with Foley's use of this 'software' as a tool for 'downloading' his 'hardware' onto some 'compatable' and 'uncompatable systems'.

The Harpoville Post has learned that as more and more Republicans scramble to save their own necks to not go down with this sinking ship they've been seen scrambling for higher ground and as far away from 'Fast Fingers Foley' as possible. But as the tide waters rise from beneath some members of the GOP are managing to stay afloat by stepping and standing on fellow Republicans. Republican Jim Kolbe is now coming forward to say he's known about Foley's folly since 2000 but, never thought it was his place to speak out against the sick twisted mind of such a high standing member of the GOP. But with the 'shit hitting the fan' so hard some Republicans have taken to wall papering their offices with Depends, he thought it best to suddenly come forward with his sudden disapproval.

"It's all that bitch Hilary's fault she doesn't understand a mans needs"

The Harpoville Post reports that the GOP mud-slingers have moved into high gear and raised some concern that it's the Democrats that have hidden the truth from the American public of what a sick bunch of 'pre-verts' the Republicans have turned into while wallowing far too long, and growing far too fat at the United States Congressional Fair.

Bush Asks Canada Who The Fucks Arar?

2006-10-08T03:13:00.000-04:00

"We got a Jamie Farr is that who you're talking about?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadian Prime Minister Harpo called the White House to ask US President G.W. Bush about the ill treatment of Maher Arar, a Canadian citizen who's was arrested and detained in New York City when his plane landed there back in 2002. Arar, who was eventually labeled a terrorist and deport to Syria where he was tortured has recently be cleared of any charges in Canada, apologized to by the RCMP but has been roughly ignored by the ruling Conservative party. It seems Maher Arar was wrongfully arrrested and detained by police when his flight landed in New York City and the RCMP, Royal Canadian Mounted Police told the American's he was a terrorists. Although the RCMP have admitted they were behind the mix-up that led Arar being labled a terrorist and sent to Syria where he was thrown in prison and tortured Prime Minister Harpo wants the US President to comment anyway.

The Harpoville Post has learned that while the White House weclomed Harpo's call and the funds, although in Canadian curency, he has been secretly sending to President Bush for admission to his World Domination Foundation they mostly laughed off his call. When the Harpoville Post spoke to US President G.W. Bush he had this to say; "I swear that fuckin' Harpo's on something stronger than 5% Labatt's, he just gets a bit little goofier everyday. What the fucks he phone us for? Thia Arar lands in America, his intelligence agency tells us he's a terrorists. we throw his ass in jail then deport him back to Syria where they hook him up to their version on Con Ed give him a couple thousand volts to help deepen his tan and then he calls us when he's fucked up. It seems a little back-ass-wards to be ragging on us now about this."

Conservative Environment is a Messy One

2006-10-05T08:49:00.000-04:00

"Well once there was a plan but now were taking that wonderful plan back to the drawing board erasing all we've done, dismantled the drawing board and gone home to Alberta were we don't give a shit about the environment."

The Harpoville Post reports the Minister of Environmental Disasters Rona Ambrose made an annoucement on the Harpo Government's long awaited "Made in Canada" plan that the plan has now been downgraded to a footnote. The plan which was to be revealed in the fall of 2006 but now as the colours of fall have arrived there seems to be no plan, no annoucement and nothing to offer Canadians and the rest of the world to combat greenhouse gas from the Harpo Government.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Ambrose's Tuesday annoucement that the Harpo Government would start cracking down on Ontario's already crippled auto industry as the big three slowly stumble along. Although, 'the crack down' woudn't go into effect for maybe another 13 years long after Alberta is sucked dry from their life line of 'Texas T'. As the Harpo Government skirts the environmental issuses by refusing to go to the source to ask the horse and the cause of up to 28% of all new greenhouse gases in North America the barren oil rich Tar Sands of Alberta. But why? ....... Could it be...... no....... but what if....... it were true........ Harpo isn't dumb enough to risk his only guaranteed voting base and the holders of the $$$ that got him elected.

The Harpoville Post reports that by Thursday the Harpo house toilet got even more backed up when a bill, forcing the Conservative government to honor the former Liberal Governments Kyoto obligations passed a second reading and vote in the House of Commons. As the three opposition parties all ganged up on Harpo Government out voting them 152 to 115 which left the Conservatives sitting with egg on their face and shit in their pants when they were caught voting againist a bill which calls for them to uphold a treaty which they claim to support. Though this does follow Conservative environmental logic of going after the manufactures of the cars the petroleum industry needs to ensure huge profits in the future rather than ask Alberta to clean up their own shitty backyard of the 28% increase in greenhouse gases they produce now while they still have the funds to do it.

The Harpoviile Post reports that by Friday the environmental stench seeping from beneath the Minister of Environmental disasters Rona Ambrose was near unbearable as she strapped on the Depends and was sent back in wading around in the Tory environmental mess by claiming a whole new approach to the environmental is needed but gave no indication what that is, what they will do about it or how long Canadians will wait for the governments next kick at the can and flush of environmental concern.

Homophobia Soon Legal in Canada

2006-10-04T10:05:00.000-04:00

"We only seek the right to call a spade a spade and a fagot a fagot"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Prime Minister Harpo may have found a way to get out from underneath the pressure he is feeling from his religious right voting base to do away with gay marriages in Canada. Harpo and his Government plan to reopen the gay marriage debate in the fall but knowing it will be blocked have decided to move right along to plan B; allow the gay hating, homophobic religious right do and say anything they like not to follow the law of the land and give equality to all Canadians, regardless of their sexual preference.

The Harpoville Post has learned the Conservative Government plans to continue allowing their Conservative voting base a way out of following the laws of the land. In the spring their scrapping of the gun registry law allowed gun owners not to be responsible for the weapons they purchase making it impossible for the police to successfully trace a gun after it has been stolen from the less than responsible gun owner. Now by allowing Christian Conservatives the right to refuse the use of churches and their services to marriage minded gays they're are saying it is OK to refuse same sex citizens their rights ensured by the laws of Canada.

The Harpoville Post reports that the governments opposition again wonders what the Tory government is really up to because the rights of all Canadians is already covered by the charter of rights. Harpo told the Harpoville Post; "We will support the rights of all gay Liberal and NDP voting Canadians but even more-so support the rights of our Christian Conservative voting base to practice their religion, practice their religious views to refuse a spade a spade and call them all little fagots."

Mark Foley Releases Multiple Choice Excuses

2006-10-04T09:19:00.000-04:00

"I was touched by the drunken left hand of God"

The Harpoville Post reports Republican Florida Congressman Mark Foley has released a multiply choice excuse press release to explain why he sent 'hot gay' emails to a 16 year old male page. Stopping just short of saying 'God may me gay' Foley, through his team of over priced lawyers, swears the reason he desires 'hot young male teen flesh' his that he was once 'hot young male teen flesh' himself and some sick old middle aged Christian sicko had his way with him and he always felt it was his duty to pass on the torch of the touch.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Foley's over priced team of excuse men have left no stone unturned as they work they're magic on a bid to find a silver lining in Foley's political career and the GOP's desire to hold onto the house as they both show signs of soon being thrown out with the baby's bath water. With excuses like a) abused as a teen b) touched by the cloth and c) the demon drink. Foley feels the need to explan away his actions after months of everybody in the GOP knowing of Foley's hot emails with the 16 year old male page. With cries from deep within the "family values" side of the party to rid itself of these demons before they return to the gay old 90's when the only gay Republican anyone in party spoke of was Rush Limbaugh.

I'm The Father To Anna Nichole's Baby

2006-10-04T08:25:00.000-04:00

The Harpoville Post reports that Anna Nichol Smith will soon be spending alot of time in court as questions arise on who the real father is of her new born baby daughter. First her Lawyer Howard Stern stepped forward to say he was the baby's father then photgrapher Larry Birkhead filed papers in court stating he is the father. Now this has opened the flood gates as many more men are now stepping forward saying they're the father of Anna's newly born daughter.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Steve Solowsky, a long time resident of Harpoville who told us of his impending case for the ownership of Anna Nichol Smith's baby; "Well you see I was driving limo for my uncle Jack when Anna came to Harpoville unexpectedly last year. While we were driving downtown she spoke of what a lonely life she led and if she could just find the right guy she'd give that all up and settle down. we'll I guess I just fell for her head over heals cause I told her I give up the good life of working for my uncle's limo service for the right girl. So, after a night of passion she left town swearing she'd be back for me now she's had our baby and I've decided it would be best, now I don't work for uncle Jack anymore, to be with my family at this time."

Tories Announces 13 Billion Dollar Surplus

2006-09-26T00:11:00.000-04:00

"Just don't expect them to spend any of it"

The Harpoville Post reports Harpo and his Conservatives are finding themselves so flush with leftover Liberal loot they've decided to cut 2 Billion in Federal spending. Lack of Finance Minister Paul Flaherty was quick to downplay any spectulation that much, if any, of the $13.2 Billion windfall will make it's way back to Canadian street from which it came. Mr. Flaherty who was head of finances for the failed Government of Mike Harris when they left Ontario staggering with a massive debt load back in the 90's had this to say to The Harpoville Post: "We're not like those last guy's, who were able to balance the books and still come out on top, were Conservatives. Look in your history books the Tory's always leave office with an empty kitty. It'll be no different this time."

The Harpoville Post has learned the Harpo's desire to implement spending cuts to make way for worthy voters has raised it's share of eye brows even in Western Canada. By targeting women's groups and illiteracy programs, in their spending cuts, the government is showing just who doesn't matter on their march from minority to majority. As one Albertian expressed to The Harpoville Post; "These people, if I go so far as to call them that, they're more like 'sheepeople', neither read nor vote Conservative, so who cares what they think or want."

Man Looses Penis Twice in one Lifetime

2006-09-21T09:51:00.000-04:00

"I guess I just wasn't mature enough to own a 22 year olds penis"

The Harpoville Post reports that a 44 year old man in China, who lost his penis in a tragic accident(as if loosing your penis wouldn't be tragic enough) became the world's first successful Penis transplant reciprocant. The man, who's penis was left useless, unable to urinate or have sexual relations was, reportly, quite happy with his new penis and felt a new lease on life but, after a few months was said to become a little too cockey.

The Harpoville Post has learned that although the man's body did not reject the new organ the man's wife certinly did. The penis which was removed from a braindead 22 year old man seemed to develop a mind of his own and became a 'little prick' the wife told The Harpoville Post; "It was all quite exciting at first to get all this attention and affection but, soon it became quite insatiable and very demanding. Soon my husband was dressing differently, staying out all night and having young women calling him at home. He said it wasn't him, he had no control over it and he was merly the transport of this, of this creature. Every morning I would wake with it staring up at me with that hungry look in it's eye. It soon became just too much and I asked for it to be removed."

The Harpoville Post reports that although the wife is quite happy with the removal of the said intruder she now complains her husband and their marriage aren't the same. "He just sits around the house lifeless watching TV. He's angry all the time and he won't even look at me anymore. I'm not the one that cut it off."

Pope Blames Comments on Too Much Wine

2006-09-17T15:21:00.000-04:00

"Stop me if you've heard this one before; a Muslim, a Cleric and a insurgent walk into a bar"

The Harpoville Post reports the Pope's public relations people have been working overtime trying hard to clean up the mess left behind when the Pontiff, after a little too much wine grabbed the microphone and let go with a string of zingers during a Muslim Roast held at the Vatican just last week. It is said the Pope's head was pounding the next day as he came just short of apologizing for calling the Muslim Prophet Mohammed as "evil, inhuman and a joke as a savior". Muslims throughout the world took to the streets in protest burning two churchs located in the west bank.

The Harpoville Post has learned the Vatican was quick to point out the two churchs burnt in protest were not Catholic and were of no concern to them. One of the reported churchs was a Church of Scientology but, no one from that a, a, religion could be contacted for comment. The Vatican has stated that although they are not concerned by the Pontiff's comments they expect the Pope's trip to Turkey, planned for later this month, will be put on hold indefinitely.

How Does An Asshole Like This

2006-09-14T17:21:00.000-04:00

"Get a gun like that?"

The Harpoville Post reports that just months after the Conservative Government over turned any laws forcing guns owners, responsible of other wise, in Canada, to register their firearms some wack-o takes his Baretta automatic firearm to school, he didn't attend, for show and tell with the safety off. In Montreal one young girl is dead and nineteen people lie wounded four critical. All this is reminisent of the similar Montreal shooting that brought about the now stricken registry law. Though no one is surpised politicians and media alike have all fallen short of calling it was it is.

"Political pandering by Conservative lobbyist"

The Harpoville Post refuses to print the assholes name to allow him in death anymore fame that his miserable exsistance allowed him in life. Though the question where did this asshole get a Baretta CX4 semi-automatic rifle and why can't it be traced to whoever sold to him, or originally owned it, so they can also be chaged with murder. Though that can not happen because all though these guns are illegal they don't 'really' have to be registered here in Canada or in the United States of America.

The Harpoville Post only remose is news that the spinless asshole, once shot and surrounded by his fate, took his own life. Why didn't he skip the melodrama and do that last Tuesday? Had that happened this Harpoville Post reporter would have gladly for go this post.

Liberal's Accused of Caring Too Much

2006-09-14T13:19:00.000-04:00

"Auditor General slams last years Liberal's for having way too much Environmental concerns"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Auditor General is set to level harsh criticisum towards last years Liberal Environment Minister, Stephane Dion, for having too much concern for Canada and the Earths environment and not enough concern for war. Back in a time of Liberal control when Government coffers were spilling over with abundanse the Liberal's who were finaly giving back now stand in scorn. With the Harpo Government about to cut Canada's ties and commitments to Kyoto the timing of the report couldn't be sweeter and smell of political cleansing be any greater.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the $1.5 Million the Liberals had commited to Kyoto will be scrapped soon for the, yet revealed, "Made in Canada" plan the Conservative Minister of Environmental Disasters Rona Ambrose is polling Canada for. With no coffers left in the Conservative environmental kitty, since the spring Conservative budget stripped that ministery of 8 Million dollars a lame ass, though highly glossy environmental brochure is expected in mail boxes by Christmas.

Come Kick In Some Doors In Afghanistan

2006-09-14T00:27:00.000-04:00

"Roust People from their beds in the new Canadian Army"

The Harpoville Post reports that the new fighting image of the new Canadian soldier was delivered today with a less than stellar showing. The Harpo Governments desire to lure 6,500 young men and woman to a life of war in Afghanistan may have just got a little harder with they're new 3 Million dollar recruitment slogan "Fight Fear, Fight Distress, Fight Chaos". The old slogan "Be All That You Can Be" was dropped for "Fight Terror" but, that one was dropped because it sounded too much like the 2004 G.W. Bush re-election campaign slogan.

The Harpoville post has learned that the military has released the ads in low employment areas of Canada like the Atlantic provinces but, so far has met with very negative results. With reading and writting at a grade six level dropped from the requirments earlier this year the military has decided to drop any physical fitness requirments come October in the hope of building up recruitment numbers by the pound in sheer mass volume.

The Harpoville Post has learned of some alternate slogans that were passed over were; "Be Less With More", "I'm OK, You're Good Enough" and "We're Not Looking For The Best Just a Bunch"

America's Safety is Deep in a Hole

2006-09-10T22:44:00.000-04:00

"America's search for safety still far from sight five years after 9/11."

The Harpoville Post reports that on the 5th anniversary of modern day America's equavlent to the Little Big Horn very little has changed in the way of resolve. America in the last five years has gone from invading Afganistan, though 80% of the 9/11 highjackers were from Saudi Arabia and then invading Iraq, though for what reason, three years hence, still lies a mystery. With America's death toll to the Middle East wars long surpassed those who died in 9/11 one wonders was it worth the trouble and wouldn't a fence been cheaper.

The Harpoville Post has learned that U.S. President G.W. Bush's drive for democracy has done little but cost American's Billions in war, Billions in rising gas prices and sees this trend not ending anytime soon. With Iraq in the middle of a civil war, Bin Laudin safely out of harms way and al Qaeda sending more videos to Washington than pictures of the kids at camp most Americans must be sobering to the fact it was all a waste of time. Now with Washington's confessional that they know Sadam didn't really know anything about 9/11 or Mr. Bin Ladin but, he's guilty of something so that's why we're there dosen't justify the price of admission.

The Harpoville Post reports that with 2600 American's dead for a war waged on the back of 9/11 in a country that had nothing to do with it must leave a tart taste to a distant victory. A victory still held in the distorted sights of a President that has put the desires of a few on the backs of the many with Billions spent and many Billions to go before any moral will be drawn from this tattered tale.

America's "noble lies" theory may have united a country to a common enemy so they can justify a nation always at war, always afraid and always in fear of what they don't understand.

Afghani War Promised With Varied Results

2006-09-09T10:40:00.000-04:00

O'Connor; "We can't beat the Taliban but were going to throw a lot of money at them for a lot of years to come"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadian Military spending is moving fast and furious as the Military step up spending of the 15 Billion shelled out by the Harpo Government before Canadian taxpayer's sober up. With the question; "What the hell are we doing there?" being asked by everyone except the military lobbyists the shopping spree has bolted into high gear fearing the rug will be pulled out from beneath the party very soon.

The Harpoville Post reports that last week Canadian Lack of Defence Minister Gorden O'Connor, no relation to Donald, admitted there is no chance of ever beating the Taliban on their own turf so, we might as well sit back and enjoy Canada's own 'nightly news' war. But, now news from NATO saying the Taliban are on the run and it won't be long now comes on the heels of they're crying out for more troops just days ago. This consistants contratiction is the only consistant in this war other than the the increase of flag drapped coffins being flown back in Canada in the dead of night.

SUV's Kill More People Than Terrorists

2006-09-07T23:44:00.000-04:00

"More Americans kill more Americans than Muslim's kill Americans"

The Harpoville Post reports that five years after 9/11 more American's are killing more American's than any other race. With large gas gusiling SUV's clogging the highways, byways and bearing down on the unsuspecting one wonders shouldn't the US Government do something to curb this threat also. But, still the major car manufactures get away with building more and more of these death machines.

The Harpoville Post has learned that with 43,000 deaths last year alone on America's highways and most of them caused by SUV's. America is under a much more dangerous attack by the car themselves. With deaths mounting on the curb shouldn't American's be more afraid to walk the streets and drive to the corner store? We asked that question of Jerry Ford, a automobile salesman, and he said,; >"O'golly gee no. People shouldn't be afraid to walk out they're doors and fear being driven over by a crazed SUV owner. They're just like you and me, though some of them are more afraid and that's why they buy the big trucks and such, they're just regular folk who've bought into the governments plan to be afraid of the unknown so that's why they pay lots of big bucks to get those big trucks. They're just afraid, that's all, they're just afraid."

Harper Refuses to Be Accountable on Accountability

2006-09-07T15:54:00.000-04:00

"On account of my Accountability Act I will never be held accountable to you or any liberal senator"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Prime Minister Harpo was pretty pissed off at being questioned in front of the Canadian Senate, the first time in history, on his Accountability Act. The Prime Minister swore heads were going to roll of anyone who stands in the way of him ramming the legislature through the House of Commons.

The Harpoville Post reports that once any amendments were suggested to his Accountability Bill, by any opposition party, Harpo was ready to force a non-convidence vote throwing the country back into another election. Harpo's thinking another election will put his Conservative Party into a majority position rather than a minority position may likely blow up in his face as Canadian's are sick and tired of the Conservative Party's constant need for gradification by calling another election. With Harpo's close ties with U.S. President, G.W. Bush, and the increasing Canadian body count showing signs of being the anchor that will pull his plans for Canadian electoral domination into the gutter where it belongs.

Paris Blows L.A.'s Finest

2006-09-07T09:25:00.000-04:00

"You're just a bunch of Nazi's, no wait the Nazi's were the other guy's. O'shit I can never get that right."

The Harpoville Post reports that tempers flaired in tinsel town as the noted airis Paris blew past her alluded tea spoon of alcool, while she's on her purging diet, and pushed the needle into the red to get arrested. Cops clocked the airy-one doing 55 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone which aroused police suspicion as they sat at a popular L.A. police deli. One arresting office told the Harpoville Post; "That arian princess thought she could slide under our radar well, I was born in Duseldorf yesterday."

The Harpoville Post has learned that although there are no reports of Paris calling the arresting officers "Jews who are the blame for all the wars", the police aren't taking any changes at another Hollywood hot-shot trying to deny the holocaust happened. The Harpoville Post spoke to Captain Hyrum Schneider's and he had this to say; "De's hot-shot kid's and der' fast German car's. Did you know Mercedez built the ovens in Auschwitz, well, that's what I heard. Anyway this litte leahman a getch who caused this schande an a chappah really has some baitsim to try this in my town. Here she's just another goya with a tipsky."

Bush Is Confident We're Not Safe

2006-09-05T21:38:00.000-04:00

"I know it's been five years, but really, nothings changed"

The Harpoville Post reports that with the fifth anniversary of 9/11 just days away U.S. President G.W. Bush confirms America's no safer now than then. With the Congressional race moving into high gear for the November election what is coming out of the horses mouth won't do much to ensure confidence let alone an easy win. With the Republician strangle hold on America slipping away faster than the last breath of the Crocodile Hunter the President is using fear as the motivator to lure sobering American voters to stay in the Republician camp.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the desire for war in Canada is starting to show signs of desent as some MP's are finally pulling up their socks and demanding at least a debate about the growing number of dead Canadian soldiers being loaded out of Canadian military aircraft in the dead of night. With four dead in as many days since this month began the seeds of unrest have been sown, though whether they sprout or not depends on oppositons insistence towards change. With one dead, on near dead and six more wounded Canadian soldiers by their old friend "Friendly Fire", even hard core freedom fighting Canadian Conservatives must at least be keeping count. With 4 Billion spend on war, all on military and none on rebuilding Afghanistan and over 30 Canadians dead since the Conservatives have taken office even Prime Minister Harper must be seeing the error in hitching his wagon so close to G.W. Bush's falling star

Conservatives Jusy Say 'Maybe' in Vancouver

2006-09-02T08:37:00.000-04:00

Clement "Yes, No, Maybe!...... O'hell I haven't been told what to think yet"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Minister of UnHealth Tony Clement just can't get off the fence when it comes to making a decission about Vancouver's safe injection site so, he's decided not to decide. Vancouver's very successful safe injection site for Heroin users was set to close September 12 but can remain open for 3 1/2 more years if the Conservative's would stop being so Conservative and stop being afraid of what people may or may not think. Clement decided not to decide and has allowed the site to stay open till December 31 of next year while, while, while they think about.

The Harpoville Post spoke to one of the sites officials who said; "I can't believe that a Government who sends young men and woman into battle into the worst Heroin ridden country in the world and thinks that some of them will not come back with a monkey on their back. History has proved that both America and Russia brought home soldiers addicted to Heroin after major military conflicts. It was the reason Russia couldn't win in Afghanistan. Now they're ready to say once you people return with drug problems there may or may not the help you need on the street and anything more than a pamphlet saying 'Just Say No After We Say Maybe'."

The Harpoville Post also spoke to Mr. Clement and he had this to say; "It's hard to make decisions when there is so much at stake, like our political future. And although the Vancouver Police Department don't want it there doesn't mean it hasn't been successful at helping Heroin addicks by giving them free needles so to cut down on the spread of HIV we know these are good things but, when you voting base is a bunch of hay-seeds who have never been out of Bum-Fuck Sask.. and seen how bad the drug and AIDS problems are in our major cities it makes it hard for a minority elected Conservative Government to have the balls to remove that fence post, we keep firmly planted up or asses, so we never have to make a major decission like this, thank you."
Satirical Comical Political News

Tory's Poll For Made in Canada Plan

2006-09-01T09:28:00.000-04:00

"We poll so polling Canadians will prove our agenda is the right one to get us re-elected"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Conservatives environmental policies, set to be released to the public this fall, was asked of the public this past summer through their over-use of polls. The Tory's who refuse to admit they govern by polls was caught red-handed this summer asking Canadian's what should be done as far as the environment in concerned. Since the Harpo Government has come under fire to at least have a Environmental policy, whether they follow through with it or not is another matter, but, with no money for environmental issues and all money for war Harpo has resorted to seeking love not answers.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the heavily Conservative leaning Strategic Counsel polling group asked 75 Canadians what, if anything, do they think about the Environment. Since the results are yet to be released for their "Made in Canada" plan all this polling makes one wonder if the Harpo Government will rename it "Ask a Canadian" plan. Since the Minister of Environmental Disasters Rona Ambrose ministry has been stripped of more than 80 Million dollars it was suprising they had enough money in the kitty to cough a hair-ball up for this poll which is likly to be a no more than an attempt to sway Canadian voters to their side of the fence and do nothing to improve the environment for all Canadians.
Satirical Comical Political News

Alberta Looks For Killer of Cancer Patient

2006-08-31T15:14:00.000-04:00

"Just don't blame the Alberta Government for the funding cuts to Canada's richest provinces hospitals"

The Harpoville Post reports that the death of a cancer patient in Alberta is being probed by the same medical community that administers Alberta's health care. The patient, a woman with severe cancer was allowed to return home to her family with a hospital I.V. that would feed her pain medication once every four hours over four days. The machine broke down and fed the woman all her pain medication in four hours, killing quickly in front of her family, now the Alberta Government wants to assure everyone in that provience that this accident had nothing to do with the millions the Klein Government had removed from Alberta's health care industry over the years and has set a Government run inquire to ensure they are not blamed for the woman's death.

The Harpoville Post has learned that as Alberta beats the drum anouncing record earnings through the growth in gas revenus in that province making it the richest province in Canada they have also been cutting back on health care makeing the wait times longer and longer and the push to privatized medicine quicker and quicker. As Big Daddy Klein slowly slids from his throne today it would be fitting to leave him something hanging on his line to soon wash up in his wake.
Satirical Comical Political News

Canada Rebuilds Afghanistan With Military

2006-08-31T09:39:00.000-04:00

"If we just had more guns to help the poor rebuild Afghanistan"

The Harpoville Post reports Canada's message to the devistated war torn country of Afghanistan is "We're going to help you with more of the same Canadian military might." Lack of Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor, no relation to Donald, made a suprise visit to Canadian troops in Afghanistan this week to figure out why civilian deaths and friendly fire incidents have sky rocketed over the month of August. Some have suggested mounting pressure to get the ill trained troops into Afghanistan is causing the increase in military error that is now plaguing the Conservative backed war in Afghanistan.

The Harpoville Post has learned that O'Connor's planned meet and greet with the troops didn't go as well as he had planned when some of the questions asked of the Lack of Defence Minister went unanswered. When one soldier asked; >"Do we have the support of Canadian public while here in Afghanistan?" And O'Connor answered; "We only listen to the military lobbists and read the carefully constructed Conservative polls." When another soldier asked; "What do the pools say and when do you think we'll be heading home from all this?" O'Connor answered; "We don't listen to the polls but, if we did they would say good things, real good things. And to answer your second question please consult your selected passage special issued military bibles for that answer."
Satirical Comical Political News

So You Went To Yale Too

2006-08-30T09:19:00.000-04:00

"But, what have you done for me lately?"

The Harpoville Post reports that a Canadian University took their message to the streets to promote their brand of furthering education and it may just return to bite them on the ass. Thunder Bay's Lakehead University decided it's tired of coming in last behind Brandon's 'Maiden Head' University and Simcoe's 'Old Nob U.' in the long list of Canadian Universities not to consider attending that they hired a big time Toronto Ad agency to come up with a catchy slogan to reel in this years batch of the great unwashed. But, it seems their choice subject of folly doesn't find it so funny.

The Harpoville Post has learned the Ad campaign which denotes a picture of US President G.W. Bush and a caption reading Yale Schmale is finding mixed reviews even before it hits it's intended market. Some of Toronto's potential University students either have no idea where Thunder Bay is or have just moved to Toronto from that region and have no intention on returning.

The Harpoville Post reports that the University of Toronto ranked number one across Canada for their University logo that goes;

"It's not where you go it's who you blow"
Satirical Comical Political News

Military Lets Kids Play With Real Guns at The Fair

2006-08-26T14:32:00.000-04:00
"Military tells kids 'guns are fun' at the Toronto CNE then sends them back out onto the street"

The Harpoville Post reports with more and more Canadian's soldiers returning home from the war in Afghanistan in wheelchairs and in boxes comes word on how the Conservative Government is planning to refill those empty spaces. On the wake of the killing of a 10 year old child by shooting first his 17 year old brother comes word that Canada's fighting edge is a little too fidgity with the report of todays "opps" mistaken kill. Reports of frighten Canadian soldiers shooting first and asking questions later are becoming too common place with todays take down of an Afghanistan Police officer and his men. The officer was killed and six of his men wounded when Canadian troops opened fire on their Afghani truck.

The Harpoville Post has learned no Canadians were killed or injured in todays mishap because no Canadians were fired upon in the 'no-so-friendly fire' incident. But, news also comes from Canada's miltary is working extra hard to beef up the slowly depleting military rants and is taking their message that 'War is fun and here to stay' to Toronto's CNE yearly fair to lure Canadian children into the life of playing with real guns in Canada's war and on Canadian streets. The militaries mixed up message that 'Guns are Fun' is confusing considering the the rise in gun violence on the streets of Canadian cities.

The Harpoville Post wonders whether the Canadian military and our Conservative Government is doing any pre-planning in recruiting and training for the many years of war their alliance with G.W. Bush will have in store for Canada and Canadians. With near 30 dead and untold wounded these questions should be addressed now before it continues to be too late.
Satirical Comical Political News

Hitler's Cross Coming to a Neighborhood Near You

2006-08-24T09:09:00.000-04:00
"With the name Hilter on the lable, you know good eats are on the table"

The Harpoville Post reports that a new restaurant in India is packing them in and having them coming back for more. Hilter's Cross, located in Mumbai India, opened to rave reviews but, not with the kosher set who have been up in arms ever since the restaurant opened last week. But, since there are only 5,000 Jews in all of India nobodies really taking much notice.

The Harpoville Post has learned that in North America the Jews may run the film industry but in India it's Hindu all the way baby and they love the idea of Hilter's Cross. Then the restaurants owner Puneet Sablok was first approached about changing the name to the salad and pizza hotspot he refused and came under fire from the moderatly small Jewish community in this country of over 1 Billion Hindu's. "This is an outrage", said Elijah Jacob, "how can the man responsible for the death of 6 million Jew's be glorified by having a restaurant named after him? And with take out no less." Mr. Sablok replied, "everybody likes the name, Hilter's Cross for a while we were going to call it Adolph's Grill that would've really pissed him off. If Mr. Jacob doesn't like it he doesn't have to come inside, he doesn't even have to walk down the street. There are plenty of other restaurants and other streets to walk down in India, believe me. And he complains about me using the swastika as a logo, this has been a ancient symbol for good luck in India forever. Whatever! I just wonder what's Jacob going to say when I hang out the sign saying '6 Million Served', this is India I can do those numbers in 6 weeks. I just hope he doesn't find out I've got a Lebanese cook."
Satirical Comical Political News

Only Four Countries Consider Hezbollah Terrorists

2006-08-23T19:16:00.000-04:00
"Crazed Conservative leaves Liberal MP hanging like some Strange Fruit"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Liberal Party has cut and run leaving MP Boris Wrzesnewshyj hanging from a hanging tree like some Strange Fruit. As dawn rose in the East the Liberal party was stampeding to the right and as far away as humanly possible from their fellow MP's comments made yesterday in a fit of rage after witnessing and reporting the distruction of Lebanon by the bombs of Israel. Wresnewshyj's comments came under fire from the Conservative party's neo-wing calling for his head long before any other hands were raised in protest.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Wresnewshyj's comment that Canada should reconsider labeling Lebanon's democratically elected Hezbollah party a terrorists and should reopen talks with the organization. These words alone were enough to send neo-conservatives into a foamy mouthed media frenzy calling for his head and an end to open opinion in Canada. Neo-conservative J. Kenny had this to say to the Harpoville Post; "9/11, terrorists, 9/11 we'll all be killed. What kind of country would we conservatives have if we had people like these, these lieing liberials and their terrorist friends running Canada. Is that what you want? 9/11, terrorists, terrorists 9/11. It's talk like this that has fagots getting married and babies being ripped from their mothers bellies. What's next freedom of speech?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada is only one of four counties in the world that consider Hezbollah a terrorist organization, the other three being the United States, Israel and the Netherlands. The truth that Britian and Australia are the only two other countries in the world who consider only one external wing of the Hezbollah Party terrorists makes one reconsider exactly what sliding fishy scale the Conservatives judge other countries and their cultures by?
Satirical Comical Political News

Liberal M.P. Deny's Hezbollah Comment

2006-08-22T07:23:00.000-04:00
"What I said was if Hezbollah is on the terrorist list why isn't Israel?"

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's fact finding mission into war torn Lebanon is coming under fire for reporting the facts. The group of three Canadian elected M.P.'s, none of them Conservative, are shocked by the distruction leveled by Israel as everyday more and more dead innocent civilians are being pulled from under demolished buildings.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Israel's idea of cease fire is continued shelling in southern Lebanon and the Canadian contingent are now being criticized in the press for what the press refuses to report. Liberal M.P. Borys Wrzesnewskyj was misquoted in todays press for saying Hezbollah should be removed from Canada's Terrorists list but, what he really said was; "If Hezbollah is on the Terrorists list can't we make room on that list for Israel, I think we've witnessed enough evidence for that." The Conservative Television Network, CTV, was first to denounce the M.P. for speaking his mind and commenting on the terrorism war waged by Israel in Lebanon and Palestine.

The Harpoville Post reports that the Western press has refused to report the terrorist attacks Israel has been party to for many years in the region. This war was started with Israel wanting two Israeli soldiers released but, was an act of retaliation for a doctor and his son Israel had kidnapped from Palestine weeks before. The Western press refused to research and report years of terrorist activity Israel has instilled into the region by their acts of cutting off fresh water and electricity to the people of Palestine. Now the Canadian press, like the Americians, owned and operated by Jewish supporters of Conservative rule, are dictating what news is fit to print and chastising the Liberals are being too god-dame liberal about what they say. It is just a matter of time that here in Canada like the United States the word liberal will be reduced to a four letter word.
Satirical Comical Political News

G.M. Returns Gas Guzzling Camaro

2006-08-21T11:16:00.000-04:00
"Just in time for higher prices at the pumps"

The Harpoville Post reports that General Motors has decided to fight the rise at the gas pumps with the return of the gas guzzling Camaro. "G.M. meteroric descent into bankruptcy is no reason to start thinking clearly now," said one fat, over-paid G.M. CEO who was on hand to announce General Motors return to the muscle car market. Ford who has been out selling, or should we say, out giving away cars with no money down and no interest leases of they're return to the muscle car market in the Ford Mustang has left G.M. deciding to cash their remaining chips in on a sure thing 'car buyer stupidity'.

The Harpoville Post has learned that G.M. will start building the Canadian made over-powered, rear wheel drive, pass anything on the road except a gas station monster in Oshawa Ontario just in time for higher prices at the pumps and new laws cracking down on street racers. The Conservative Government has announced they will start leveling greater fines against young crazed drivers of these muscle cars that have been the cause of untold damage and deaths on Canadian roads for years. But, why allow these cars to be built in the first place and to announce them with such fan fair leaves one wondering is anyone in General Motors paying attention let alone earning their keep? The company just announced a 3.2 Billion dollar loss in their last quarter now with this plan to return to the muscle car market, G.M. is sure to double those numbers in the months and years to come.
Satirical Comical Political News

Conservatives Lack of Aids Concern Misunderstanding

2006-08-20T01:00:00.000-04:00
"They acted like a bunch of sick people"

The Harpoville Post reports that Minister for the Unhealthy Tony Clement is complaining to the 'lying weak kneed Liberal press' about why they failed to get the respect and admiration for all the hard work the Harpo Conservative Government has done to help spread Aids. Mr. Clement complained that the people at the Aids Converence were not awear at what the Harpo Government has done to help promote Aids in Canada and throughout the world.

The Harpoville Post has learned that The Unhealth Minister felt slighted by the anger of the "mostly homo's", as he called them at last weeks Aids International Converence held in Toronto and attended by only one lone little Conservative party member, Mister Clement himself. Mr. Clement had this to say; "Those people have no idea what this Conservative Government has done to help promote the cause to help spread the word that Aids is here to stay and you'd better just get use to it." The Very Unhealthy Minister, who was booed every time he tried to mount the podium to sing the Tory Aids chant; "Aids are for queers, give us a cheer", was suprised when the Harpoville Post had to remind the Minister of Unhealth that the Aids Conference was in Toronto to help stop the spread of Aids not promote it, and he said, "O'really....... well now I can understand why those fagots were piss'd off then."
Satirical Comical Political News

Charles McVety Would Make a Good Nazi

2006-08-18T10:32:00.000-04:00
"Someone check this Cracker's closet for a white robe and a swastika"

The Harpoville Post reports Christian Nazi zealot(could you imagine such a thing) Charles McVety is working overtime to destory any resemblance of free speech in Canada's Conservative party. Not, that there was alot to begin with now Harpo has ripped out the camera and microphones from the House of commons, tapped the mouths shut of all his MP's, that is except Garth Turner, who he's now hung out to dry with the cry of "Bring Me The Head Of Garth Turner" and Charles McVety, his favorite Christian bulldog has stepped up to the plate to do his bidding.

The Harpoville Post has learned McVety, the Aryan son of a goose stepper, is spending untold amounts of $$$ to see his master Harpo's wish comes true by flying about the country sliming onto any Conservative talk radio he can slither into, located mostly in the West, in an attempt to denounce the "homo lovin' Turner" as he likes to refer to him as. It seems McVety is having no trouble filling his radio dance card full of like minded Conservative redneck hillbillies ready to recite from only selected verses of the good book while skipping past the ones that suggest "loving thy neighbour". With McVety around one wonders how the hell those verses ever got into there and how long before they are removed from the new King Charles McVety Version of the unholy Bible that will be available real soon in a 'all true' Christian Conservative entrapment riding near you.
Satirical Comical Political News

An American Crime of Passion

2006-08-17T08:38:00.000-04:00
"We were deeply in love and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together"

The Harpoville Post reports that police finally got around to arresting a suspect in the 10 year old Jonbenet Ramsey murder. Quick thinking Boulder Co. police finally issued an arrest warrant for 41 year old John Mark Karr and had him picked up at his Bangkok prostitution apartment on Wednesday. Karr immediately confessed to the crime declairing it was an accident and a crime of passion that went horribly wrong.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Karr has felt remose and has wanted to confess to raping and brutally killing the 6 year old love of his life for ten years but, never could find the time while living in Thailand and taking full advantage of that country's lax child prostitution laws. Although Karr has made frequent trips back to the states the Boulder police never thought about picking him up for questioning even though he was a prime suspect, along with the Ramsey family and everyone else in the mile high city of Boulder Co.

The Harpoville Post reports that although Karr has confessed to the killing it will still rest upon the police and the prosecution in Boulder to prove they're case. It is suspected that soon there will be computer generated images of what Jonbenet would look like today at 16 years of age had she not been burtialy raped and murdered in her own home while her parents slept peacefully in their beds. It is suspected that had she lived her parents would have continued to schlep poor Jonbenet around America to these ridicules childrens fashion shows pretending little girls are woman to the delight of pedophiles who continue to host and attend these events where John Mark Karr frequented and where he met the love of his life.
Satirical Comical Political News

Turner A Casuality of McVety's Christian Right

2006-08-17T00:20:00.000-04:00
"We'll nail Turner to the cross if he tries go against our and God's conservative will"

The Harpoville Post reports that rebel Conservative Garth Turner is fighting for his political life as Charles McVety is vowing to use God's goose stepping ways to make sure Turner never runs for public office again. It seems Garth as got on the bad side of the Christian fundalmentalist you has decided that Garth isn't conservative enough for his ultra Conservative Troy party.

The Harpoville Post has learned the very wealthy, gay hating, McVety has decided to pull out all the dirty tricks he can muster to distroy Turner's political career for good. McVety has let it be know that any Conservative that tries to defy the will of McVety will feel the rath of god and see an end to their political career.

The Harpoville Post reports that most Conservative M.P.'s are scared shitless of McVety and his Christian henchmen who will do any thing to distroy anyone who defies their will. No decent Conservative members have stood up to denounce McVety or stand beside Garth Turner so far and they seem to have decided their spinless Christian souls are best served with a regular pay check.
Satirical Comical Political News

As More Canadians Die In Afghanistan

2006-08-16T09:07:00.000-04:00
"Less kids sign up in Canada"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Canadian military recruitment for the war in Afghanistan is sliding into a big hole, a six foot deep hole. As the family of Canadian, #26 to die in Afghanistan, is lowered into his early grave leaving his wife and family to morn his loss General Rick Hiller announces there'll be alot more war from were he came from for a hell-of-alot longer.

The Harpoville Post has learned that although General Hilter's, I mean Hiller's, deisre to take a two year commitment in Afghanistan and stretch it out to five years has not been passed in Parliament the way to Canadians to see it his way is getting harder and harder. The Military is not having much luck luring young Canadian's away from their X-Box and minimum wage jobs at Walmart or Tim Horton's for a life of adventure and risk of death in a far off desert. And as the body count mounts, seven soldiers this month so far, it's looking like it will be impossible to recruit the desired 13,000 young people the new Conservative Government plans to send into war with little training in the very near future and for many years to come.
Satirical Comical Political News

Israeli Implants Saves Lives in Israel

2006-08-16T01:25:00.000-04:00

"Her double D's detonate bomb before real damage done"

The Harpoville Post reports that one womans vain attempt at male admiration has saved the lives of many as her breasts proved to be the all the protection the Israeli woman needed. The Israeli woman was out shopping when a rocket destine for distruction in Israel landed between her ample bosum and did not explode.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the womans ample heroism was so noted and now many Israeli woman are rushing out and having breast augmentation to insure Israeli safety in the future. It has been reported that the Israel Government has offered to pay for breast implants to boost the war effort and insure continued civilian safety in this war and all the other wars to follow.
Satirical Comical Political News

Harper Doesn't Want a Second Opinion

2006-08-16T00:49:00.000-04:00
"We've decided Israel has the right to distroy a country and kill 1000 Muslims and that's it"

The Harpoville Post reports that at the last minute the Conservative party has decided not to allow a Conservative member to go to Lebanon with an all Canadian fact finding mission. The reason for the last minute change of plan is not clear with too many different explanations coming out of the P.M.'s office.

The Harpoville Post has learned that word has leaked to Harpo's office of how bad the distruction leveled apon Lebanon by Israel is that it is not safe to sent anyone to. Tory Dean Del Mastro was all set to leave yesterday when he got the call from Hapo's office to abort, abort. Del Mastro first blamed his wife for not letting him go now the P.M.'s office states that it's not safe to have such an important member of 'Team Tory' out of the country reporting about how bad it is in Lebanon while the Prime Minister is trying so hard to suck up to the Canadian Lebanese community.

The Harpoville Post reports that the Liberal, NDP and Block party M.P.'s have shown up for duty on Tuesday and traveled to Lebanon to report on conditions in that war ravaged country. Since this Canadian delegation will not be visiting Israel we wonder whether those findings will ever be allowed to be made public.
Satirical Comical Political News

Dell Computers Tank, Stock To Follow

2006-08-15T08:20:00.000-04:00

"I guess years of selling cheap computers has finally caught up with us"

The Harpoville Post reports that home delivery computer giant Dell has recalled 4.1 Million Sony notebook computers because they've been burning up on customers laps. A Dell spokesperson refused to say wether they're recalling 4 Million 100,000 computers or 4 Million and one computer. The recall dates back to computers purchased from the company from April of 2004 the July 18 2006, but a few weeks ago. Though no word from Sony if this recall is for similar Sony notebooks purchased at the Sony Store.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Dell spokesperson Dell Donaldson about the recall and he had this to say, "It seems the batteries in the Sony Notebooks aren't up to our high Dell quality standards and will, for no apparent reason, burst into flames taking the owner with it. All the 4 Million plus owners of these computers have to do is ship it back to us UPS and we will replace those defaulty batteries Sony puts in Dell computers so we can sell them cheaper. If your computer is less than 90 days old Dell will pay for all UPS charges, which can be pretty costly because most Dell customers usually live in the middle of nowhere. But, we are asking our loyal customers to call our 1-800-Dell service line where a trusted Dell employee is patiently standing by, between the hours of 9 and 3pm Malaysian time, to take the millions and millions of expected calls from understandably irate but, loyal Dell customers."
Satirical Comical Political News

Homophobic Harper Heads for the Hinter Land

2006-08-14T08:02:00.000-04:00
"Harper makes himself scarce when AIDS Converence rolls into town"

The Harpoville Post reports that the 2006 World AIDS Converence opened its week long meeting in Toronto without, for the first time in history, the politicial representive of that hosting country showing up. The Prime Minister's handlers thought it would be a good time to get the obvious 'gay' frightened Harpo out of town, 'somewhere nice, safe and far away' they thought, "I know someone suggested, how about the North Pole". So, it seems they bundled up the P.M. for that long, long flight north of everything inhabitable and only two hundred miles from the north pole, Alert.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Prime Minister started, the unanounced northern visit, on Saturday the day before the AIDS Conference was to start, by jetting into Nunavut. There among a few Iqaluit, who were only at the airport to fly to Toronto for the AIDS Conference, Harpo pressed the flesh and promised more guns to protect the north from Terrorists and Muslims. The Premier of Nunavut, Paul Okalik replied to Harpo that the north didn't need guns to protect themselves from the Muslim terrorists because most of the Muslims were in the greater Toronto area and that maybe that's where he should go. At that point Harpo's advisers told Mr. Okalik that Toronto was full of 'gay' people and aids sympathizers and it wasn't safe to go there. They then boarded the plane and flew further north to Alert there they were welcomed by psychotic military personal, wolves and carnivorous rabbits. "No gays here," Harpo's handlers were overheard saying.

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo plans to spend the rest of this week far away from civilization and prying reporters in Yellowknife and Whitehorse, though the Prime Minister flys home to Ottawa every evening to sleep in his own bed a mere one hour flight from Toronto.
Satirical Comical Political News

Are We Fucking There Yet?

2006-08-13T10:29:00.000-04:00
"The constant changing world has a sliding scale of sanity and safety"

The Harpoville Post
Editorial

"Is what we see, what we get?"

The Harpoville Post askes a simple enough question; "Are we there yet?" It seems a simple enough question because in a rational world we just look out the window and see but, that's not the case. Why? Because we don't live in a rational world. It's within a month of celebrating 9/11, is celebrating the wrong word? Though some conspiracy theorist will see it as a reason for celibration. These are the people who look behind the curtains and see that we may not be any safer and any more secure than pre 9/11 but, the Wizard behind the curtains certainly is.

The Harpoville Post wonders why five years after 9/11 we're in a much worse state than ever before. America spends Billions and Billions on security just to have Britian squash the biggest terrorist plan of all time. One that would have left 9/11 being refered to as the one before. Though, as now being suggested this will only leave us in the West feeling more like prisoners and alot less safe. In Canada we have a Conservative Government that feels everyone else's desire is their desire, unless your poor with aids and with any environmental concerns. It seems now everyone else's fear is their fear so, unless your fear is war and expanding government, we're putting Billions and Billions of dollars into the military to, in the end, it's guarantied not to leave us feeling any safer. All the guns, tanks, planes and troops could not stop 9/11 and they will have little effect on the next big one whatever it is.

So, why spend all the money when in the end it will not do a god dame thing to stop it?

Is there an answer? No. Will there ever be a conclusion? No. The only answer and conclusion is to get arrested and end up in jail, at least you'll get three squares a day, because at the present rate we can't afford foor because of gas prices and jail is were we will all end up whether we like it or believe it. The airports will take so long to get through people will stop flying. The borders will soon close up and the punters, you and I, will have to live in that world, whether we like it believe it or not.
Satirical Comical Political News

Harper's Ethnic Ass Kissing Dance Craze

2006-08-10T08:35:00.000-04:00
"Are you ethnic?"

"Would like the Prime Minister to come to your wedding, your briss, your picnic, your barbeque or any of the other things you ethnic people do?"

"Well, just call the Conservative Party right away and book the Prime Minister of Canada to your next ethnic whatever."

The Harpoville Post reports that Canada's Prime Minister has decided to pull out all the stops for the ethnic love Harpo so sadly lacks. The P.M.'s office is busy booking Harpo two shows a day right through Labor Day at any and all ethnic summer events across Canada. It seems the poll numbers are in for last months grab for the Jew Gold, by siding with Israel in it's distruction of Lebanon, which left all of Canada's other ethnic voters feeling left out so, the P.M.'s office is working over time to rectify Harpo's image.

The Harpoville Post has learned that not everybody in Canada's ethnic voter list is falling for the Prime Ministers obvious need for acceptance and are speaking out on it. Alberta's White Supremists, who have always felt they were minorites in Canada ethnic mosaic are speaking out about being purposely left off the Prime Ministers Summer party list. The Harpoville Post spoke to Clem Harper, a white supremist from Calgary who had this to say; "What the hell is going on here? I'm a god dame tax payer and a card carrying Conservative why the hell doesn't Harpo show up at our annual rally and cross burning pinic. He's been here every other year now he decides were not good enough and he wants to party with them and he knows they're not allowed in our party."

The Harpoville Post reports although Harpo is working overtime to smooth the ruffled feathers of the ethnic voter the Conservative party's own neo-conservative wing is working equally as hard to ruffle those feathers back up. In a recent posting of 'that wing' of the Conservative party website Free Dominion it said; "We need to do two things, 1) Cut Canada's immigration numbers drastically. 2) Make major changes to the countries we take immigrants from. Enough with the terrorists, the socialists and the citizens of convenience."
Satirical Comical Political News

Charles McVety Cash$ in on Muslim Misery

2006-08-09T22:39:00.000-04:00
"Its time we stood shoulder to shoulder with Israel as they lay waste to Lebanon"

The Harpoville Post reports extreme evangelist Charles McVety, one of the wealthiest bible thumpers to mosey on up to the cross, is throwing his big Christian weight behind Israel and wants all Christians to forget love and compassion for their fellow human beings and to get behind the distruction of Muslims in Lebanon. Charles McVety, the man behind Prime Minister Harpo's attempt to soon reopen Canada's gay marriage and abortion laws, is crawling out of the closet on the back of Jewi$h support for the continued destruction on Lebanon.

"Charlie does is bit for the Holy War"

The Harpoville Post has learned that another organization run by Charles McVety and financed by Jewish $$$ and named, of all things, Christians United For Israel, or CUFI, are trying to suppress the rights of Muslim Canadians to stand up and protest on the streets of Canada in support for Lebanon and the thousands of injured or dead woman and children plus the distruction and environmental damage being done to that country. CUFI is trying hard to lobby Ottawa and get McVety's best friend Stephen Harper, who McVety delivered the Christian vote to in the last federal election, to stop these Muslim terrorists, as they call them, from having any free speech on the streets of free speaking Canada.

The Harpoville Post reports that McVety says; "It's time for Christians to drop their neutral stance and stand for the birthplace of our/their religion."
Satirical Comical Political News

Canada's Top Car Tunes Breakdown

2006-08-09T08:14:00.000-04:00

1) Summer of 69: Brian Adams 1980's hit which was not about Brian's life but, the life of his songwriting partner, Brian was about 8 years old in 1969, is the favorite of Albertian drivers born after 1975, they have 2.2 kids, 2.2 cars, 2.2 morgages, 2.2 wifes, 2.2 TV's, computers and cell phones and masturbate 2.2 times a day and dream of retirment in the summer 2069.

2)Bohemian Rhaosody: This early 70's operatic trainwreck has more bridges than New York City and stops and starts than Liz Taylor's heart, is the favorite of the still cozy in the closet gay men who earn well over $100,000 a year drive a 10 year old North American car, wear old suits and sensible shoes and their wives have no idea why.

3) Born to be Wild: The epic late 60's motorcycle song that was made famous in the film Easy Rider, was most favored by overweight, married, middle aged men who dye what little hair they have left, still fantasize about doing their grade four teacher who would be about 80 years old now and deeply dependant on depends and they still buy Hot-Rod Car magazine and dream about that special car that they will never be able to afford.

4) It's Only Rock and Roll: This 1960's Rolling Stones chestnut which will one day be credited for paying for a Heart and Lung transplant for guitarist Keith Richards is the favorite song of middle aged rocker moms who race from one dollar store to the next dollar store while touching up their eye liner and admiring their home dye job in the rear view mirror of their 15 year old North American Mini Van which is still not paid for.

5) Drive My Car: This 1960's Beatles ode to being rich, which may one day be credited to buying Heather Mills a new prosthetic is a favorite of D.I.N.K.S. (double income no kids) who have $400,000 dollar homes in the suburbs, have their kitchens redone every six months, are border line alcoholic, as can be attested by their weekly curb side blue box donations, they have enough RRSP's to finance a small Caribbian country but, still don't have enough to guaranteeing their asses will be wiped throughout eternity, they can't remember the last time they had sex with their spouse and their cars always arrive by boat.

6) Free Falling: Tom Petty's 1980's, the only other song to breech the 80's is a favorite of aging, pot smoking weekend rockers who hate corperations but, work for one, hate the suburbs but, live in them, sing this song at the top of their lungs until stuck at a light, hate they're ex-wife but, live with somebody elses and they lease.

7) Radar Love: Golden Earings 1970's ode to 'not getting any', because they're always talking about it, is most favored by both senior and middle management commuters who all married their bosses sisters or daughters who will most likely die heading for or moving away from the dinner table and they own very expensive vintage automobiles that is either in the shop, in need of going to the shop or broken down somewhere along the road playing this song.
Satirical Comical Political News

Harper Slides One Past The Goalie

2006-08-09T00:26:00.000-04:00

"And says Fuck You Canada"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Prime Minister has used the 'national security' clause to pass out 8 Billion dollars to the friends and former bosses of Lack Of Defence Minister Gordon O'Connor. Since no bidding was done on the military contracts the Tory's have decided against all honesty and hand the $$$ out the back door with no questions asked.

The Haropoville Post has learned that in 1994 the Agreement of Internal Trade was signed into law to stop this type of backroom bargaining and this is the first time a Government in power has used this back door tactic to slip the puck past the goalie and skirt the law. The Harpo Governments decission to push it through while Parliament is in recess for the summer leaves questions of true intensions un-asked and conveniently ignored.
Satirical Comical Political News

Harper Without One Muslim Tory to Talk To

2006-08-08T21:51:00.000-04:00

"Harper sees the Muslim vote sailing away as T-shirt sales slump in Ontario and Quebec"

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Harpo feels between a rock and sliding opinion poll as he reachs once again into the Liberal mailbag for releaf. With anger coming from all sides Harpo feels like a fool for siding with G.W. and Israel as the one month mark inches closer and the Muslim body count climbs higher and higher in the new Middle East war.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Harpo Government has decided to send four mealy MP's, men who think the traffic around Toronto is insane, to review for him the new Israeli Lebanon war, before he once again returns to siding with G.W. and Israel. Word also has it that Harpo, so unsure what to do next, has decided to seek understanding and guidance from a Muslim Liberal MP from Mississauga since the new all white Tory Government forgot to slip at least one Muslim into the Conservative Party ranks during the last election.

"Tisk, tisk, tisk."
Satirical Comical Political News

Stephen Harper's Softwood On The Table

2006-08-06T16:27:00.000-04:00

"He's just not getting the help he needs"

The Harpoville Post reports Prime Minister Harpo is pleading with the Canadian Softwood Industry to come to his defence as he sees the Canadian American Softwood solution going south and getting limper by the day. The industry has voiced their constant disapproval of the Harpo Government's desire to give 1.2 Billion dollars, of their money, to American lawyers for their failed attempt at keeping it all. With the writting on the wall that this 'boat don't float' Harpo is for-seeing his mighty Zepplin in flames.

"O' the humility"

The Harpoville Post has learned this last minute plea by the Prime Minister to raise some much needed extra cash and face seems almost unfitting even for a minority elected Canadian leader. News now released from Canada's Minister of Rough Trade, Dave Emerson is that if the softwood industry walks away now their completely on thier own. So, why have a Rough Trade Minister in the first place if he doesn't support the wishes of a Canadian industry, is the question being asked. Every governing legal body that has reviewed the softwood case between Canada and America has come away saying Canada is taking a 2X4 in the rear on this one and America owes them all of the 5.2 Billion dollars plus an apology to Canada and the American builders and new home owners who have been getting over charged for years. Now the industry knows it and they're telling the Harpo Government they'll take nothing less.
Satirical Comical Political News

American Democracy Leads to Democrazy

2006-08-06T10:31:00.000-04:00

"U.S. has a hard time in its civil commitment"

The Harpoville Post reports that America's desire for Democracy in the Middle East is turning Democrazy and is a complete and total failure and should be aborted right away. In only three short years G.W. Bush has distroyed one of the more stable, if slightly bend, governments in the Middle East by trying to achive what it thinks is normal. Well, if that is really the case, then they've succeeded.

The Harpoville Post has learned the daily carnage seeping from Iraq has reached such heights that America's own Generals are calling it what it is a Civil War. But, with the congressional elections only months away G.W. Bush is having a hell of a time committing to the "C" word, which leaves more and more American troops in the unlucky position of trying to stay alive in Iraq. Though, G.W. got one lucky break last month when Israel started another war with Lebanon to help divert attention from Iraq but, now that's turning up the heat under Syria and Iran two big time players who have been very, very patient up to this point but, won't stay that way for long.

The Harpoville Post reports that W.W. 3 has broke out in the Middle East where three separate wars are raging there now everyday, Iraq(Bush/Blair), Afganistan(Harper/Bush/Blair), and Lebanon(Israel/bush). Sounds like W.W.3 to me. Now with the United Nations, backed by the U.S. and France calling for a ceasefire, near a month too late, Hezbollah isn't interested, because it would allow Israel to stay in Lebanon and continue its ethnic cleansing. So, they returned the call by fireing 80 rockets into Israel. Israel decided to return that call by blowing up a truck carring humanitarian aid to civilians and kill another 40 civilians in air strikes. There's that "C" word again.

"And the beat goes on, on, on, on, on and the beat goes on"
Satirical Comical Political News

Hollywood Jews for Jesus and Mel Gibson

2006-08-05T10:31:00.000-04:00

"Line up to support Crazy Mel with endorsment contracts and script options"

The Harpoville Post
Weekend Entertainment

With the whole worlds going heading to Beruit in a hand basket it's only fitting Crazy Mel Gibson is accepting reservations for his reserection. Hollywood mover and want-to-be shakers are lining up in droves to support Crazy Mel in the wake of his Tequila fueled anti-semitic tyrant he bestowed on two of L.A.'s finest Hebrew traffic cops who made the mistake of pulling over Crazy Mel for drunk driving. Two charges of being a Mister Meaner have been leveled at Crazy Mel but, what has been most damaging is Crazy Mel's impromtu theatrical delivery of Mein Kampf that has most of the industry ducking and running for cover.

Last weeks incident has left Crazy Mel booked for rehad and desperate to rebuild his 'mister nice-guy' Hollywood image which some say may have fallen further than even the suspected gross of next years release of Passion2 can prompt up. Though word has it that Crazy Mel may be about to turn his Lemon aid stand into another big franchise with word Mel's on the lookout for a new partner for his latest buddy-in-crime flic. Crazy Mel's been on the blower from everbody from Mel Brooks to Woody Allen is seach or someone, other than Tequila, to team up with to get him up and running, once out of rehab.

The Harpoville Post has learned the scoop on Mel's new hit film has Mel and a, yet unnamed, Jewish sidekick palling around German during W.W.2 when they stumble across Auschwitz, end up in the wrong line, get locked up and that's when the fun ensues. They then free all the prisoners but, don't know what to do with them. Crazy Mel just might hit another homerun with this baby, say some of his Jewish supporters and it may just get Crazy Mel that A+ rating he's looking for from the Anti Defamation League.

"Good Luck Crazy Mel"
Satirical Comical Political News

Israel Kills Christians For Muslim Support

2006-08-04T09:49:00.000-04:00

"Israeli bombs heading to north Lebanon and Christian country"

The Harpoville Post reports as Israel turns up the heat and increases their bombing runs on Lebanese Christians are now being tarketed. Stating that maybe Hezbollah may be hiding in North Lebanon which is mostly Christian based Israel is not taking any chances and bombing the area anyway.

The Harpoville Post has learned that word from Hezbollah is that they're giving Israel time to re-think their carpet bombing stratgy before they unleash their rockets into the heavly populated city of Tel Aviv. Even Hezbollah knows this is not what Israel wants, or is it? With Israel sitting under, much deserved, unfavorable light right now maybe a few thousand dead Jews will give them the pity and world support their ethnic cleansing campaign is sadly lacking. And what prey-tell will the Conservative Christian West say about piles of dead Christians in Lebanon? Knowing Conservative Christians they'll find some way to justify it.
Satirical Comical Political News

New Poll Sees Conservative Ship Sinking

2006-08-03T11:14:00.000-04:00
"Harper toots his own horn while his love for G.W. Bush drags him down"

The Harpoville Post reports that a new poll shows Harpo's Conservative love for all things Bushy would likely lead to their down fall if a federal election were called today. The poll shows the Tory's and Liberal's are neck in neck, with nary an NDP'er in sight, in voter acceptance and Harpo's puppy posturing to America is to blame. With the Harpo's Government insistance on following the Americans, in their support of Israel, is finally showing flaws, flys and feet in the Tory ointment.

The Harpoville Post has learned that for the first time since the Conservative's regained control, even if only minor-ally, six months ago they have stumbled in a popularity poll. Harpo is showing great Tory leadership traits similar to those of Brian Mulroney, where whenever faced with a delema it was duck, run and hide time and that's what Harpo is up to leaving poor Peter McKay alone to fend off the incoming media and voter disapproval on slot. Now, with a hint the Government may change it's mind, one more time, about sending in Canadian Peacekeepers(do we have any left, I thought they gave them all orders to shoot to kill) instead of sending more army into a area of the world where too much army already exsists.

The Harpoville Post reports that with news today of five Canadian soliders killed, the most in one day since World War 2, the Harpo Government will be doing a lot more ducking and running from the slippery, sliding slop they'll soon be referring to as they're polls. But, in Cornwall Harpo came out swinging in defiance of him spending 15 billion dollars on military and only $5. per day, before taxes, for the Conservative child care program. Holding up a T-Shirt stating "I'm #1" Harpo tries hard to keep a stiff upper lip as his popularity buckles at the knees.
Satirical Comical Political News

America Prays For Cuban Uprising

2006-08-02T08:29:00.000-04:00
"But, since Cuban's get free medical and dental they're not in a hurry to comply"

The Harpoville Post reports that Cuban dictator Fidal Castor's recent medical condition has left America and Cuban exciles wetting their lips in anticipation of an uprising and an end of near 50 years of Castro rule. When Castro past on control to his fun loving brother Raul most Cuban Americans started making plans to sell they're sacks in Liberty City and move back to Cuba but, that doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Cuban's on the whole don't have alot but, what they need they get. Medical, dential and University education is all paid for by the Cuban state and as an American knows these are all the things guranteed to land you in the poor house in the USA. Long a festering torn in the paw of the cowardly lion America, Cuba, has survied very, very well for a country that has had to live under the U.S. scrutiny and trade embargos. But, now with close ties to oil rich South American countries like Venezulela and Bolivia, Cuba, is showing itself to be a much better run country than the fat, war-torn endebted America.

The Harpoville Post reports that back in 1959 Cuba was America's Sin City where drugs prostitution and gambling florished and America has never forgiven Castro for taking that away and establishing a peaceful country. So as the overweight sons and daughters of exciled Cubans plan a return to their once promised land they're not making it much past the dock because Castro's Cuba doesn't look like it's going anywhere too soon.

"As the saying goes; Living Well is the Best Revenge."
Satirical Comical Political News

Harper Get's Jew Cash(I meant New Cash) and Support in Van.

2006-08-01T08:23:00.000-04:00
"Israel moves into Lebanon for the kill and Harper goes to Vancouver for a killing"

The Harpoville Post reports that as Israel reneges on its call for a 48 hour ceasefire and moves men and tanks deep into Lebanon Prime Minister Harpo moves his money men deep into Jewish country for their love, ca$h and $upport. The Prime Minister is planning a cross Canada Synagogue Tour starting off with a standing room only Vancouver stop that had 1000 loving Isaerlites lighting candles and signing cheques to show their appreciation for Harpo's support in the Israeli slaughter under way in Lebanon.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the P.M.'s office is now releasing a statement asking Israel to show a little restraint in their 24 hour a day two week military campaign. This seems too little too late as Israel's slaughter of 60, mostly woman and children, over the weekend has got them nothing but damnation from the United Nations and most of the world, that is except Canada and America who have been cheering Israel on and making their own killing reaping the benefits of Jewish fund raising.

The Harpoville Post reports that Foreign Affairs Minister Peter McKay, voted the most sexist man(I meant sexiest) in Parliment, was grilled, like an egg on the streets of Toronto, in Ottawa on what the Conservatives are doing when they side with the Bush Government and refuse to support a cease fire in Israel. McKay was quick to point that the Harpo Government would like a ceasefire but, only under certian conditions and those conditions are; #1) that Israel runs out of bombs first, #2) that everyone in Lebanon is either dead or seriously wounded and #3) that G.W. Bush wants the same thing at the same time.
Satirical Comical Political News

Mr. Mel Gibson "He Go Crazy"

2006-07-31T15:13:00.000-04:00

"Even in Hollywood they don't kill the golden goose"

The Harpoville Post has learned that Hollywood insiders are trying desperately to put distance between them and Crazy Mel Gibson. That is, except "if Crazy Mel calls patch him through right away." It seems all media lights are burning bright with the repeat reports of Crazy Mel's racist rants from his weekend run in with the law that has some Hollywood movers and shakers torn with indiscission about Mel Gibson. Or as Crazy Mel's say's, "I'm being treated like Christ torn from the cross by those angry Jews."

The Harpoville Post has learned that Crazy Mel may be the media's 'hot potato' of the week but, he's a sweet potato money maker for whatever religion hooks their wagon to this crazy man's star. Crazy Mel may be a nut but, he sure knows how to make it rain money and that's all that matters for those money hungry Hollywood insiders whether they be Jew, Muslim, Christian or whatever.
Satirical Comical Political News

Israeli Kids Sign Bombs For Lebanon

2006-07-31T00:23:00.000-04:00
When do we say; "This is out of fucking control"

The Harpoville Post
Weekend Editorial

The thought that Israel is targeting their bombs on Red Cross trucks, United Nation buildings and innocent woman and children has been debated for days as the carnage continues.
But, when do honest caring human beings reguardless of their race or religion stand up and speak out against all wars reguardless of the supposed reason.

When do we say; "This it out of fucking control."

"This is out of fucking control."

"This is out of fucking control."

"This is out of fucking control."

"This is out of fucking control."
Satirical Comical Political News

Mishitgan Holding Toronto's Shit Hostage

2006-07-29T17:52:00.000-04:00

"Mishitgan shuts Toronto's shit chute"

The Harpoville Post reports that as of August 1st Toronto's shit chute shuts tight unless Toronto's shit movers and shakers come up with some more cash to grease the already greasy palms of Mishitgan's politicians. Every day 30 hugh truck loads of shit gets shot down Highway 401 and lands in the hungry landfills of Mishitgan but, "no more" says the shit power brokers of that State, that is unless Toronto wants to slip an extra $420. U.S., per truck, beneath all that shit.

The Harpoville Post has learned that with the cost of gas sky rocketing Toronto's acting a little sheepish about spending more to spead its shit around. But, what will Toronto do if Mishitgan shuts its doors to Toronto's shit? ...... "Sit on it", suspects Canadian shit specialists who say Toronto has been especially slow at finding a new home for its ever growing mountainous shit stack.

The Haropoville Post reports that some suspect Toronto will soon start crying the blues from the stench of all that shit and start sucking up to Toronto area shit collectors and municipalities to share in their shit dilemma. And as anyone whose dragged all their shit onto their front yard, some Saturday morn, and held a garage sale says; "It's all shit till you put a price tag on it. After that, it's a commodity"
Satirical Comical Political News

Harper Lobby'$ Jew$ While Lebanon Burns

2006-07-29T10:00:00.000-04:00

"Conservatives take advantage of a sure ca$h thing"

The Harpoville Post reports Harpo and his Conservative money gathers are moving in on a good thing by fund raising Canadian Jews for supporting Israeli annihilation of Lebanon. Conservative fund raisers have wasted no time at turning a negative into a positive by emailing Jewish and Israeli like minded supporters of the New War in the Middle East and $eeking their $upport to help refill Conservative coffer$.

"Con$ervative$ have got a lot of 'good news' polls to pay for"

The Harpoville Post has learned that as Harpo's popularity plummets in concerned Canada but, raises in Alberta, the Conservatives are hitting the bricks for the Jewi$h $upport his party so sadly lacks. Though, the problem is that it's in Ontario and Quebec where Harpo's Conservatives are both sliding in the polls and sucking up to Shylock.

The Harpoville Post reports that the Conservatives are finding no love, votes or $upport in the immigrant Muslim voter so they've decided to seek $upport where the buck start$ and stop$.
Satirical Comical Political News

Canada's Caring Pisses China Off

2006-07-26T23:51:00.000-04:00
"Threatens to double prices at the dollar store"

The Harpoville Post reports the new Government is living this long hot summer in the hot seat as news is released that China has threatened to drop one big Won Ton into Canada's Conservatives soup. The Harpo Government finally decided to do something right when they offered, his holiness, the Dalai Lama honorary Canadian citizenship. The gesture is seen by most Canadians as a wonderful and nobal effort to lighten the pains of hate and death circling the global this past week but, unfortunately China doesn't see it that way. It seems China still views the Dalai Lama with unfavorable eyes.

The Harpoville Post has learned that pissing off China may mean bigger prices, not at the pumps but, where it'll really hurt; The Dollar Stores. Canadian distributors of all things 'Made in China', which is near every retailer in Canada, except the Brewers Retail, are shaking in the proverbial bottom lines boots at the thought of what China can do by moving just one decimal point. Though unclear what the Chinese Government would do if Canada follows through with honouring the Dalai Lama it has suggested that with 1.3 billion citizens in China Canada would not be wise to piss off Big Red.
Satirical Comical Political News

Harper Calls United Nations Liars

2006-07-26T18:20:00.000-04:00

"You can't trust these people to tell the truth"

The Harpoville Post reports that Prime Minister Stephen Harpo attacked the United Nations for making accusations that it was Isreali planes and Israli bombs that were deliberately dropped on a well makered UN building in Lebanon today. The Israeli bomb distroyed the building killing four, one a Canadian soldier.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the P.M. has spent the day denying an Isralei wrong doing in the two week war, he has publicly supported, that has laid waste to southern Lebanon killing hundreds and displacing thousands. Harpo admitting he felt some feelings of lose for the fallen soldier but was unable to put them into words so, he decided to attack the press for reminding him of the saughter he supports.

The Harpoville Post reports the United Nations building that Israel distroyed sits in the small village of Khiam and has been there since 1978. All UN buildings in the area are clearly marked and and there presence known to the Israeli Defence Forces.
Satirical Comical Political News

Lance Bass Reveals What Everybody Knew

2006-07-26T17:25:00.000-04:00

"That's why they called him Lance"

The Harpoville Post reports that Lance Bass from the, not-so-popular-anymore, boy band 'N Sync has crawled out of the closet to reveal what every human on the planet had already guessed; 'Lance is gay'. Lance 29 was suprised when no one at his 'coming out party' was suprised by this revelation. "Can't you at least pretend to be suprised" Lance said to the few people in attendence.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Lance has worked hard, for years, not to let it be revealed of his sexual preference so as not to hurt the popularity of 'N Sync which has been plummeting for years. Entertainment insiders now believe this may be the 'golden goose' the band has been searching for, for years, to put them right back on top. "Being gay never hurt the Villiage People," said one 'N Sync insider who wished to be referred to as 'Sasha'. "I bet this will be just what they need to boost the boys carees and they'll be climbing all over each other to be the next one out of the closet, just you wait" he added.

The Harpoville Post spoke to Lance about his plans now he's made it official. "I and my live in lover and actor, Reichen, are planning a situation comedy for TV. It'll be a high romping comedy for the 2000's an 'Odd Couple' for the new millennium called Rump Rangers, we think it'll be just swell."
Satirical Comical Political News

Woman Swallows During Phone Sex

2006-07-26T14:16:00.000-04:00

"No word if she has a sister"

The Harpoville Post reports that a 24 year old Missouri man is in court trying to discribe how a cell phone ended up in his girlfriends stomach. It seems last December, 25 year old Melinda Abell was a little too tipsy while having phone sex with her then boyfriend Marlon Brando Gill. Melinda now states that Marlon forced her to prove her love by making her swallow.

The Harpoville Post has learned the couple, who have been together for a number of years, have had a rather stormy relationship that ended when Melinda was rushed to hospital and Marlon was charged with assault for forcing her to swallow while having phone sex, which is a misdemeanor in Missouri.

The Harpoville Post reports that if Marlon Brando Gill is found guilty he could get face two years probation and be prohibited from ever having phone sex again.
Satirical Comical Political News

Bear Dies after Eating Poison Scout

2006-07-22T10:13:00.000-04:00

"What are we feeding our children that are killing our bears?"

The Harpoville Post reports that an innocent back bear was killed after he inadvertenly mistook a poison Scout for a fresh one. The bear, a treasured resident of the great State of Utah, was found on a path by the State Park Ranger. The Ranger, named Rick, who at first had no idea how the bear had died, became suspicious after interviewing a group of Scouts who were camping in the area.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Park Ranger Rick on closer inspection noticed one of the Scouts had had his arm torn off. While being questioned the Scout could not recall how he had lost his arm and said it must have happened while he slept and that after breakfast he and the rest of the scout troop had planned to go in search for the missing appendage.

The Harpoville Post reports there is no word whether the off Scout will be changed with the death of the bear but, it has been reported that Park Ranger Rick confiscated the Scout troops supply of tube steaks, Pogo's and Ho Ho's.
Satirical Comical Political News

Harper Delays Environment till October

2006-07-22T09:12:00.000-04:00

Ambrose "Wait till you see what were going to do you won't believe it it's so good I'm so proud of myself I can't belive it I thought of it all by myself, it was me, me, me, me, me"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Minister of Environmental Disasters Rona Ambrose announced, with trumpeting fanfare, that the new Conservative plan for the environment is "so good" it can wait till October. Tentatively called "Green Plan 2", for no apparent reason, the Minister of Disaster released word of it's arrival with little or no indication of its content.

The Harpoville Post has learned that Rona Ambrose has likened her new "Green Plan 2" to that of Brian Mulroney's 1991 governments 3-Billion "Green Plan", hence the term "Green Plan 2" but, with one big exception Ambrose's Ministry doesn't have any money. With the common knowledge that the Ministry is as poor as a church mouse and barely able to pay the saleries of its employees some wonder how Rona is planning to pull a rabbitt out of her hat when she can't afford a fadora.

The Harpoville Post spoke to the Minister of Environmental Disasters on whether the Harpo Government planned to commit 3-Billion to their new "Green Plan 2" Ambrose admitted, "God no, we don't have any money for environmental concerns we spent 3 Million coming up with the title. But, it is a good title don't you think? I can't wait for everyone to see the little brochure we've made up, it's so cute. Though I have no idea where we'll find the money to print them with. Maybe we'll put it on that internet thingy. ..... That's such a good idea I should give myself a raise for that idea alone or at least a day in the spa."
Satirical Comical Political News

VLT's Clean Out The Poor In Nova Scotia

2006-07-21T23:45:00.000-04:00

"Well we got all they're money now what'll we do?"

The Harpoville Post reports that the Conservative Nova Scotia Government is starting to feel the pinch at the video gaming machines with revenues slowly grinding to a halt. The government can't figure out whether they've cleaned out the populace or no-one in Nova Scotia can afford the gas to drive down to the VTL centers to throw all their money away.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Nova Scotia Government has seen a 10% drop in gambling revenue in the last year dropping from 200 Million to 180 Million, which has many scratching their heads and trying to think of more ways to get that money back. One way is to install VTL's directly into all Nova Scotia homes by passing a law making it manditory. Though other politicians have decided to take the wait and see approach. The Harpoville Post spoke to one such politicians who told us, "We've got to be patient and realize that every year we clean out an older generation of VLT addicts but, every year another generation of younger addicts get on board, with even greater earning potential. Plus they're still are some 7,000 addicted gamblers in Nova Scotia so, there is a lot of hope out there that we can get these numbers back up."
Satirical Comical Political News

Canada Makes America's Top 10 Terror List

2006-07-21T10:33:00.000-04:00
"The Top 10 Terror List is nothing to fear"

The Harpoville Post reports that America's Ten 10 Terror List are out and Canada squeezed in at number 10, a first for this country. Canada has long felt ignored by its neighbour to the south but, now it has something to both cheer and fear about. And, with America's long history of invading countries it suspects of harboring terrorists should Canada expect an invasion anytime soon?

The Harpoville Post has learned that "The Terrories", as they're called in Washington are picked through a long, slow arduous process performed by long, slow and arduous Republician politician who are usually long past their usefulness in Washington but, still on the payroll. Reports have it that Canada's new Conservative party is both shocked and awed at the nomination. Since being elected the Harpo Government has worked non stop to ensure fear and confusion throught out Canada to help establish closer ties to G.W. Bush so they are both pleased with the recognition but, also fearful of it's meaning.

The Harpoville Post spoke to an un-named government official who had this to say, "We're pretty happy at Canada making the Top 10 but, also a little afraid of the outcome. I understand that Prime Minister Harpo is putting together a rather large compensation package to give to the Americans for our gratitude but, also to remind them we are honored but, completely sub servant and beholding to George Bush and his great country to our south."
Satirical Comical Political News

Israel Caught Bombing Itself

2006-07-21T09:47:00.000-04:00

"United Nations building bombed in Israel by the Israeli's"

The Harpoville Post reports that a UN building sitting in Israel was caught in the middle of the Israeli Lebanon war and distroyed today. The Israeli's were quick to blame the Hezbollah for the bombing but, soon after the smoke cleared the United Nations blamed Israel for the direct hit.

The Harpoville Post has learned as Israel increases it fire power against Lebanon and the Hezbollah no stone is left unturned and no building left standing even if they are on Israeli soil. With modest reports of over 350 dead in Lebanon in the week long battle Israel is calling in more troops and gear up for increased bombing of southern Lebanon. The United States has decided to send in Coni Rice for her Washington war update but, that's not till next week and most guess the war will be over and Lebanon will only be a memory by then.
Satirical Comical Political News

Harper Sleeps as Plane Picks up The Lucky 100

2006-07-19T19:11:00.000-04:00

"But, leaves 29,900 Canadians behind looking for their own way out"

The Harpoville Post reports as Prime Minister Harpo's plane arrives in Lebanon to airlift 100 card carring Conservatives to safety many more sit waiting with no food, water and electricity in a war zone the P.M. himself supports. As Harpo faces growing damnation from the 800,000 Muslims in Canada for his support of Israel's actions in their relentless mass elimination of Lebanon the P.M. decided to squeeze one more photo opportunity into his week long trip abroad.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the Prime Minister has decided to sleep off a heavy night of French bubbly and stay secluded on his plane while his people pick and choose who the lucky ones will be to ride with Harpo back to Canada. Word has it Harpo freed up the extra seats by leaving behind Canadian officals in Paris for an extended holiday.

The Harpoville Post reports that Canadians in Lebanon have had a hard time getting any response from the Canadian Embassy in Beirut who have reportedly stopped answering their phones and are looking for a way to safe themselves from the war zone Israel has caused and Harpo supports.
Satirical Comical Political News

Wife Weeps While Harper Sides With Bush

2006-07-18T15:44:00.000-04:00

"Lady Harper sheds tears for cameras"

The Harpoville Post reports that our grand learder Harpo and his wife Lady Harpo visited Vimy Ridge on their return for the conservative G-8 conference in Russia. Lady Harpo reacting on cue from the cameras burst into tears and fell to the ground clutching the grave marks and screaming; "Why, why, why did they die."

The Harpoville Post has learned that at that point Harpo pointed to the cameras his media personel had positioned in place and said, "These poor fighting fools were facing the enemies poison gas not like today where I must face the enemies poison camera lens and pens. But, don't you fear, my dear, one day we will fill hundreds of grave sights just like this with young Canadian men and women as I send more and more of them to their deaths so one day we will all be free of the hate that attacks freedom fighters like myself from these angry enemy cameras."

The Harpoville Post reports that the PM has decided to continue his relentless attack on Lebanon along with 'Big Daddy', G.W. Bush backing Israel as more innocent civilians die from the constant bombing of Beirut and southern Lebanon. The Prime Minister told the cameras and the press he hates and fears so much that, "Israel has every right to defend itself and lay waste to Lebanon and kill as many terrorists as it can find hiding amongest the innocent men, women, children and Canadian tourists."
Satirical Comical Political News

Sask. Cop Killer Could Get Community Service

2006-07-18T09:04:00.000-04:00

Stockwell Day "we need to catch this guys first before can figure out what to do with them"

The Harpoville Post reports that the RCMP is throwing it's hands in the air about how safe it is to do their job in Saskatchewan. It has been one year since 4 RCMP officers strolled into a massive marijauna grow-operation in Mayerthorpe Saskatchewan and were shot to death, the man responsible then shot himself. Now, after last weeks killings of 2 more RCMP officers in Spiritwood Saskatchewan the RCMP is asking itself is it worth it to police in Saskatchewan.

The Harpoville Post has learned that the RCMP is reevaluating their role and taking stock in their losses and coming to the conclusion that Saskatchewan may be too dangerous to be in, certainly now the Harpo Government has stripped this country of it's gun registery laws that could have stopped 2 crazied cop killers in Saskatchewan from twiddling down the ranks of Canada's finest. Canada's Lack of Safety Minister Stockwell Day is trying to quell unrest in that province by calling for stiffer penalties for cop killers which is all fine and good if you catch them and bring them to justice but, that isn't happening. At Mayerthorpe, the killer, killed himself in Spiritwood the killer walked away and hasn't been seen since and the police don't think it's safe to go out looking for him either so, they called off the man hunt.

The Harpoville Post reports that the Harpo Government says that gun registry is not the answer but, with gun registry, loonies in Saskatchewan wouldn't be able to own guns. The RCMP say tougher penalties are needed so they stay in jail but they are unable to catch these loonies after they have murdered, now 6 mounties, to even bring them to trial let alone get them in jail.

The Harpoville Post suggests that the government devises a simple IQ test that every Canadian has too take and if they fail this IQ test they can't own a gun, or drive a car or have babies or get a loan or......... But, what would happen to the Conservative party?
Satirical Comical Political News

Harper Applauds Israel as Canadians Die

2006-07-17T09:34:00.000-04:00
" 7 Canadians die as Conservative Government slow to ensure safety to Canadian tourists in the region"

The Harpoville Post reports as Israel continues to bomb Lebanon into bits Prime Minister Harpo is caught in the cross hairs of condoning Isreal's actions as innocent Canadian tourists are now listed among the dead. The new Canadian government has made no attempt to save or evacuate Canadian citizens from the war torn region while approving of Isreal's actions.

The Harpoville Post has learned that as innocent Canadians are being caught in the relentless bombing raids on Beirut and southern Lebanon as Harpo sits with other Conservative world leaders applauding Israel for their actions and turning a blind eye to those caught in the middle. The world stands aghast as Israeli's military might is raining down their own brand of Middle East terror on innocent men, women and children of that country and now Canadian tourists.
Satirical Comical Political News